This message plays after the driver dips the red vacant sign that starts the meter.  One of the first things that you’ll notice is that there isn’t a female end for the seat belts. And you’ll wish there was.

so from what i understand i put key in and then try and crash pedestrian, correct?

My first cab ride in China was terrifying. It didn’t start that way.

Ni Hao, Na Lia.

I asked if I could smoke in his cab and he said I could and that he would smoke too.

Cab rides start off slow. They never start in 1st gear because they think starting in second will save them gas money.  Of course this ruins the transmission, which is a lot more expensive than gas, but I guess they don’t care. So by the time you rattle up to speed its as if you just robbed a bank and the police are hot on your trail:

Zooming in and out of traffic. Honking and menacing pedestrians. Cutting people off. Sharing lanes that weren’t meant to be shared.

My first cab ride I was like, whoa my cab driver is driving like an asshole.

Is my taxi driver an asshole?  He doesn’t seem like an asshole but why is he driving like this?

After awhile you realize they all drive like assholes, unless they’re really old, and when they are it’s weird that you miss the asshole drivers because while it is terrifying you do get places quickly.

Another thing about taxi drivers is that if they don’t want to take you somewhere they’ll pretend to not understand you. Just sit there and say yes over and over and repeat your destination. They don’t like my street because theres a lot of restaurants and traffic and it makes it difficult for them to get another ass in the seat quickly.

Also expect to listen to either shitty cantonese ballads or talk radio that sounds really rehearsed and polite. If the driver hears a song he likes he’ll turn it up and rock out and sometimes sing along.

If you see two cabs and one has a GPS thing on the dash pick the one without it. The driver with the GPS is a new driver and probably doesn’t know where anything is and unless your chinese is good you’ll be fucked.

Some quick tips:

• Save business cards to places you go often or learn to say their chinese name
• Save your address in chinese on your phone somewhere so you can just show it to them.
• If you feel like they’re taking you the long way just keep asking where they are going. This makes them think you know a faster way and basically tells them to cut the crap.
• It says no smoking but you can smoke in 99% of taxis
• You can also drink alcohol in Taxis
• I’m not sure about eating in the taxi as portable food isn’t super popular in China
• Most taxis have annoying advertising monitors behind the front seats which have sort of an iPhone interface where you can select different ads or crap games. Believe me there is nothing good to look at on those. Turn them off as soon as you get inside the cab.
• The driver will always ask you where you’re from (if you’re clearly a foreigner). When you say Mei Gua (if you’re from America) they will usually give you a thumbs up and say “America is very good”. I’ve had this exact conversation 1,000 times.  I just nod, yeah it’s good, thanks, China is good too.
• If you’re waiting for a cab and you see one and wave him down don’t think that just because you waved it down some bastard (Hun Dan, I learned a new word) won’t walk up and jump in right in front of you. It’s happened to me twice.  Two other times it almost happened and I said “no no no, you can’t, i am very angry” and they stepped aside.
• Strangers do not share cabs in China. Forget that possibility.
• Don’t take unmarked taxis. It’s just a hassle and they’ll usually rip you off.

And fellow Shenzhen Wai Laos, stop tipping the taxis. Everytime I give them 20 kuai on a 16 kuai ride its taking longer and longer to get my change. I know why this is happening. Stop it.

You don’t have to tip in China.

With that, let’s  go:

1. An interesting thing about China is that if you want to sit at a table in a popular bar or nightclub– any table– you need to either buy a bottle or spend a certain amount of money (maybe 300 Yuan or more).  This seems like bullshit but if you’ll be around for a day or so you can check your unfinished bottle into a locker and come back to meet it later by using a ticket. Oh hey, I remember you.
2. Chinese men will refer to poor foreigners as “drink holders” because they just buy one drink and stand around and hit on girls. The thinking is, I guess, if you’re gonna come to my country and my bar and try to bag up my babes, you better be paying good money. Also, there’s the “if you can’t afford to play by the rules don’t come here” thing which sorta makes sense.
3. Most Chinese people go to bars in groups of 4 or more and it’s considered rude to walk up and talk to a mixed group. You can however approach a group of girls or boys or anywhere the ratio is 2:1. If its 3 girls and 3 guys they will be offended.
4. Chinese (and Hong Kongers visiting) will often invite you over for a drink of their drinks. Have a few but don’t camp out there, although they probably wouldn’t mind you’ll feel bad. Don’t offer them any money as this is seen as an insult (like you think you’re better or more successful than them).
5. Bottles of booze aren’t cheap (300-400 RMB for starters) and usually the cheapest one is some brand of whiskey I guarantee you’ve never heard of .  And the selection is crap: whiskey, vodka, wine, champagne and some vile shit like Cointreau.
6. Snacks and mixers are sometimes included and sometimes extra.  Look at the menu. Often they will bring you a beautiful plate of fruit at the end of your night. Don’t get pissed and flip the table over and say “You’re cheating me! I didn’t order this!” (”Ni zuan wo! wo meiyou ling zhega!”)  if you didn’t order it then it’s free.
7. Whiskey (American and Scotch) is huge in China and good brands are available yet it’s always mixed into a glass pitcher, sometimes called a Jar, (usually by a persistent waiter (fuwuyuan— sounds like foo-yee-en) who wants you to finish up and pop a new one.  Usually it’s mixed with Green Tea which is refreshing but sort of gets boring after awhile. Even if you have a bunch of cokes or red bulls someone will pour them all into the pitcher.
8. The reason for the pitcher is because you’re supposed to pour your friends drinks for them and they for you. Also it’s convenient to not have to mix each drink on its own. Notice if your friends drinks are low and fill ‘em up. I like this custom.
9. If you want to  get the waiters attention you should place a napkin on the top of your head until they acknowledge you. It’s used as a flag or something and is considered more polite than yelling “Fuwuyuan!”
10. If someone offers you a drink and you refuse a good way to say no is “Your mother is a whore”, because you’re pretty much saying that by refusing. Don’t refuse drinks.
11. Its impolite to touch anyone deliberately but not impolite to bump into someone or touch them because they’re in your way.
12. If you’re in a taxi and you want to go to a bar say “Jo-Bar” and then the bar’s name. If the bar has the name Bar in it say “Jo Bar Bar Chicago” for instance. Except C’s are always pronounced like Ch so Chicago is pronounced “Chichago”.
13. Chinese are not, on average, great dancers. If you’re a bad or self conscious dancer feel free to let loose in China, you’ll fit in fine.
14. Most bars play American songs most of the time. Most people cannot understand a word of it. That said, you’ll hear a few Chinese sounds that sound pretty good and you can’t understand a word of that either.
15. Every Chinese person has an English name, and somehow it usually suits them really well. It has nothing to do with their Chinese name usually. Don’t ask someone their Chinese name unless you really care or you’re some kind of “wanting to learn culture” cockrocker. It’s just dumb.
16. If a woman is too friendly with you in a bar she’s either a hooker, a hustler,  or has screwed every white guy around you for free. Avoid.
17. There’s usually a security guard or something that looks like a bouncer at the front of the bar. You do not need to acknowledge his presence in any way and is there only to say “hey we have a security uniform, don’t fuck around here”.
18. If there’s one or more girls in front of a bar wearing fur coats it’s a whore bar. Stay out.  I’ve heard stories of Wai Laos being forced to pay 2000 RMB by gangsters who’ve locked the door to the bar impeding their exit.
19. If a man is too friendly with you, just like in the States, he’s probably a gay. I got hit on in the bathroom by a gay guy and he watched and talked to me as I went pee. Glad to see that aspect American gay culture has crossed oceans. Be firm with gay guys or they’ll touch you or kiss your cheek.
20. If you’re at a club or nice bar they sort of expect you to drink liquor and not beer. Beer is to be drinken at dinner or if you segueway out of dinner into drinking at the same place. In that case, nobody will be mad at you for producing  bottle of booze but don’t expect to order it at a casual restaurant.
21. Most people order beers in twos. They come in big Forty Ouncer size bottles but are less than 40 ounces I think. Say: “Fuwuyen! Er Ching-Dao (Tsingtao)”. This is most likely because Chinese are really into having a bounty of whatever it is they’re consuming and also Tsingtaos are cheap and plentiful so if you don’t finish it it’s not a big deal.

One of these tips isn’t true.

1. I have not had any amazing cultural-spiritual awakening or enlightenment and probably won’t. I haven’t stood on any mountain tops and looked across the countryside or shared an intimate meal with a traditional chinese girl.
2. Mandarin is really difficult to learn and absorb. Unlike TV shows where in a stressful situation you can suddenly speak fluently after being immersed, i’m more confused after being immersed and in stressful situations. Sometimes when I can’t understand what someone is saying they grab a pencil and write the chinese characters. Ah, that’s helpful.
3. Like you look at those videos with the nerdy bespectacled black guy with the 14 inch cock plowing trashy looking Floridian broads, Chinese people look at me with curiousity, confusion and disgust.
4. Chinese people drink hot water with meals. Sometimes tea but always that hot water.
5. They do eat dogs, snakes, turtles, cats, etc. You will see these things in cages and tanks in front of restaurants. Can you imagine being a chef and having to kill an innocent cat for somebody else to eat? (I hear cats taste like an ocean of flavors in your mouth
6. The pecking order on the streets and highways goes like this: police trucks, police cars, big trucks, small trucks, fancy cars, big cars, small cars, motorcycles, scooters, pedestrians pulling a cart, pedestrians. Basically if you are to the right of motorcycles everyone is your daddy and you need to move out of their way. They look at you like “fuck you, you’re driving pants and a shirt, i’m driving a big metal truck full of lettuce”.
7. Most ex-pats are shitheads, sketchy or are so in love with the culture that they don’t like people from their country anymore.
8. Oftentimes your place setting (silverware, bowl, cup, plate, etc) will be wrapped in plastic. There is also a pot filled with boiling hot water. Chinese peopl do not trust the plastic and will wash the plates and such with the boiling water to make sure its extra clean. Then they’ll eat one of the fish or turtles that have been soaking in a filthy tub out front all night.
9. Pretty much anything that starts with “I’ve heard that in China…. ” is true and about twice as bad, cheap, easy or good as you think it is.
10. Do they really have happy ending massage places in China? Not only do they have them but they’re on every block. Usually attached to a regular foot massage place (upstairs or whatever). Look for the number 68, it’s the cost of such a massage and is sort of “code” for that type of thing. If you don’t want that type of massage you’ll have to tell them 1 or 10 times.
11. The government is either very good at staying hidden or just doesn’t really care. Other than bored policemen texting or sleeping I never see any kind of police activity. There is no communism in china nor is there really any political beliefs about anything.
12. You will get a lot of attention from people. If you’re an average looking person in the US you’ll appreciate the attention but eventually get tired of it.
13. The food in China is not delicious but there is delicious food to eat, there’s just also so many not good options that are like this gauntlet of mirrors made to confuse you. Often times you’ll see something that looks like something you like, but it will taste either like nothing, oyster sauce or too healthy. If you ask a chinese person what their favorite kind of food is 99.9% of them will say “Chinese food!”
14. One thing I like to do is grab a beer at 7-11 or Polison and walk around with it and gauge how far it takes to get somewhere by how many 40’s of Tsingtao I drink on the walk. Oh that place? It’s like 1.5 40’s away.
15. Engrish is everywhere. It becomes normal and not that funny after awhile since you realize you can’t read more than a single character of their language, which is one syllable, and yet you expect them to write perfect copy. Ok, maybe its not that reason it’s just that after awhile the same thing over and over becomes less funny.
16. Tipping is frowned on by the government but if you want your room clean or good service you should tip a little.
17. Medicine does not require a prescription but it might require that you can read chinese or engrish versions of medicine names.
18. Despite what people say, most people speak Mandarin. The word for Mandarin in Mandarin (weird concept) is Gu?nhuà and although wikipedia says it means Speech Of Officials, I think it actually means “The Common Language”. People who speak Cantonese also speak Mandarin but people who speak Mandarin often don’t speak Cantonese.
19. A ride on a taxi bike costs 5 Yuan for a short ride and 10 Yuan for a long ride. Don’t pay more.
20. Most 7-11’s don’t have slurpees. They do however have slurpee cups that you can buy (?) to use at a 7-11 that does have slurpees. They think this is totally normal.
21. You will not get killed for using or possessing illegal drugs in China if you’re a foreigner. Not that it’s a great idea to use drugs in a foreign country (or domestically) but you won’t get the death penalty. There are a lot of Foreigners living in China. A lot of traveler ex-pat types use drugs recreationally. When’s the last time you heard of someone getting popped for drugs in China? See. You will however be quietly and quickly deported.
22. If you plan on moving to China have your company or a friend arrange for a vigilant Chinese person to help you shop for cell phone, apartment, etc etc. You will still get ripped off but less so.
23. Many Chinese people’s breath and body will smell a little different to you. Probably us to them. It’s because they eat weird stuff and we eat weird stuff in their opinion. Seriously, when a chinese person says they don’t like hamburgers I assume they are just being nationalistic but really I think most do not like them.
24. The green Gatorade is lime, but with tea flavor too. They are so pushy with that tea.
25. If you’re at the supermarket and happen to drop a 1 yuan coin at the same time another, older, Chinese-Don Rickles looking guy thinks he dropped a 1 yuan coint, and you go to grab the coin and he grabs the same coin, and you are both holding this coin with your thumb and pointer finger, and people are saying words loudly, and he’s saying words loudly, and you’re looking at the people— and him, and trying to explain that you know “for a fact” that it’s your 1 yuan coin— anyway, if this happens just let the 1 yuan coin go.