Above, Shenzhen

I slipped 3 or 4 times, one time down some marble steps and that spill was pretty serious. I was bruised up and couldn’t move my body for an entire day.
I asked my friend Yan about PaShi and if she’s ever fallen down, and if she was helped:

Yan: I also fell down one time in front of a market.it’s good was night
I felt imbarassed

My Red China:
how did you fall down?
did many people see you?

Yan: it’s night and have a slope I didn’t saw it
not many

MRC: did you stay on the ground for awhile
or pop back up fast

Yan: I remember it was bachelors day

MRC: did anyone help you?

Yan: not so fast,coz hurt.hurt my ass and arm
no
if anyone help me will make me feel more imbarasse

Another time I was on 中兴路 (ZhongXingLu) in Shenzhen with Gabi and Sara and this young guy on a McDonald’s delivery bike gently bumped this 混蛋 of about 40 years of age. The older guy proceeded to cause a huge scene like a drama queen, demanding to call the kid’s boss, wanting to take his bike, wanting money for the injury (there was none). A giant crowd formed. This guy just kept going and going. The kid kept silent and said sorry and nobody said anything. Not even like “Ok it was an accident, he’s sorry.” Nothing. Finally a city worker dressed in the blue outfit and a rice hat (pic below) stood up and tried to intervene and this old bastard pretended like he was going to slap him. He did so like “this lowly city worker”. However, one thing about PaShi is that if I went over there and pulled this guy’s hand off the kid i’d probably be beaten by a mob of angry 中国人。

Someone explain that for me.

For example, there is a sex shop on most blocks in China, but you never see any customers. Yet, they stay in business. I asked my friend one night how that worked. He pointed out that there was a telephone number and it said 交货 (delivery) next to it.

The Chinese are very Swedish when it comes to sex: Don’t make a big deal of it, it’s just something that people do.

Anyhow, I was on ShenzhenStuff and I saw this ad for a lesbian bar event in Shenzhen:

http://www.shenzhenstuff.com/events/luvstep-at-the-lez-bar

With this picture attached:

The greatest part is the no frills name: Lez Bar.

同性恋酒吧

1. 7-11 delivers. You know when you’re hanging out with some friends and suddenly you realize that you need more beer, snacks, or cigarettes or some idiot girl is like “You know what would be really good right now? Ice cream!” and then all the other girls are like “yeah!”. Well in these cases, it’s simple: you pick up the phone and call 7-11. Very few minutes later a boy is at your door with a reusable bag and your order. If your Chinese isn’t so good don’t expect everything to be exactly right, for example they often bring me the New Tsingtao when I ask for the Classic Tsingtao (the new one is about 20 cents more per bottle.. ouch)  or if you ask for juice be lucky if you get something that came from a piece of fruit. Oh yeah, pretty much everywhere else delivers too.
2. Anything is possible with a little bit of money. Want fried noodles at 430am? No problem.  Need to move to a new apartment at 5 and its 4 now? Relax. Want to eat _____ (insert any animal there)? Eat away. Need a repairman on a Sunday night to fix pretty much anything? He might take 30 mins if he’s slow.
3. Things happen fast. I’ve been amazed at how quickly I can do things that are a pain in the ass in the US. For example when I moved recently I could’ve taken the apartment and moved in the same day I looked at it. Minutes after even. No credit checks, no waiting, nothing. Need cable or internet? There’s a cable rep downstairs in your building (or in a very nearby building). Bills are all paid to the management office in your building. Nothing is in your name really, you just go pay every month. Cash. There’s pretty much anyone available at any time to help you with whatever you might need.
4. Hot Pot. Hot pot is so great. I can’t even explain why, I just love it. And it’s spicy so it makes you drink more Tsingtao which is never a bad thing. Also most cities have about 10 different kinds of hot pot. I think Sichuan style is the best.
5. Massage. I’ve always liked getting massages but they’re really expensive back home and if you ask your girlfriend to give you one its like this quid pro quo situation in a sum zero game. If you massage her after she massages you then you feel tired and stressed again. If you massage her first, she’ll give you some crap massage and be like “sorry my hands hurt”.
6. Places in the US where normally you get shafted, they don’t shaft you in China. For example in the US convenience stores rip you off. In China there’s not really a price differential between something at a convenience store and something at the supermarket or a specialty store. Another example is the airport. The airports in China and Hong Kong are more or less the same price as a similar place outside of the airport. I think this is because the Chinese are so aware of being cheated that they would just refuse to pay the high prices and the gouging stores have learned this the hard way.
7. You’ll learn good habits. Like not putting your shoes on the bed or wearing flip flops inside. It took me some time but now I always wear flip flops or sandles inside. They call them “slippers”. If you’ve seen those things that suck all the bad stuff out of your body via your feet (I think they are bullshit but still) you’d not want to basically sponge up everything off the ground with your feet. Also, the reason Asian people in general take off their shoes when they go indoors is for one to keep it clean, but also because the streets in most asian countries are pretty foul and why would you want to track all that shit into your house. Walk through a wet market or seafood street and you’ll start taking your shoes off too.
8. People mind their own business. Mostly. This goes to extremes like if you walk down to a bar street and see some guy beating the shit out of his girlfriend in the front of the bar (rather common) or if you see someone getting beat up or otherwise bothered but for the most part Chinese just don’t give a crap what you’re doing and would rather you stay out of their business too.
9. Things are cheap. The reason for this I think is less because it’s a developing country and more because things are produced here and people know what it costs to make stuff. I think that in the US pricing models are a little bit messed up. For example, lets say you need a fan for your room or a keyboard. Well you probably know it takes about 50-75 cents to make but you’re willing to pay $10 for it—probably even pleased with the price you paid if you got it for 10. Why? Who knows. Chinese don’t put up with that crap. Shipping from the pearl river or Hong Kong harbor to the US isn’t that expensive, definitely not worth a 10X markup. A similar fan or keyboard would cost you about $2-4. Not peanuts cheap but more right-priced.
10. People aren’t ashamed to serve. Serving  others is a good thing. I’ll admit I’d rather not be a foot massager or bus boy but if you are there’s no shame in it and Chinese people aren’t ashamed of it. There is no weirdness between you two unless you create it. On a personal level, Chinese are very willing to serve you a drink, food or light your cigarette. Massaging someone else is not gay or romantic, just helping them feel better.

They call America MeiGuo which means “Beautiful Kingdom” or “Beautiful Country”.  What about France you ask? Fag’guo. Not even joking.

2. Most people in China are pretty friendly to foreigners but say “HALLO” to you all the time which gets a little annoying after 8 months. I’ve noted that when i’m dressing sharp or snappy I get more HALLOs then when i’m not.

3. Sprite is called Xue Bi ( Schway Bee) and Coke is called K’o K’ou K’o Le which means, roughly “let your mouth be happy” and also sounds like, well Coca Cola. 7-Up is qi qi (chi chi) and means 77. Beer is piujiu (pee-gee-oh), but usually you can just order Tsingtao (Ching Dow) as it’s really the finest beer around.

4. Breakfast options in China are limited. You have stuff that they eat for other meals (noodle soup, rice, etc) and then you have like bing bread– some bing bread is good, some is awful– depends on what’s inside. I’d say its sort of like a flat, dry exteriored piroshki, but more chewy. Ask whats inside before committing. They will run you about 1 yuan each (15 cents). You can also get dumplings, buns, etc. Many people eat hardboiled eggs too.

5.  Add Oil. If you’re feeling beaten down or depressed people will you to Ka-Yow (cantonese) or Jyah Yo (mandarin).  This means to add oil or gasoline. As far as Facebook in Hong Kong goes its probably the most often used comment. 加油! Add oil la! Oh yeah, they say “la” and “ah” and “ar” a lot too. Basically its a word particle that means nothing on its own but when added to something it sounds nice. For example “how are you la?”, or “I miss you la”, or “what you doing ar?”. You get the idea.

6. Generally, Chinese people don’t like ice or cold drinks. I know some who drink Tsingtao warm. Water is usually hot, sometimes warm, almost never cold. If you’re in a restaurant and you request ice water (baizah bing kuai shui, is how I say it, prob a better way) chinese people will look at you. Look at him, he loves that cold drink in his mouth. As such, finding like a bag of ice isn’t easy. If you need some for cocktails or something go to a restaurant, be sure to have a Chinese person tell them you want ice for drinks, otherwise it may be contaminated.

7. Chinese People Cover Their Mouths When They Use A Toothpick. This is sort of an asia-wide thing and is widely reported but when you consider that Chinese are pretty ok with most other personal grooming (or lack thereof) it’s a bit discordant. There’s spitting out a bad taste from your mouth and then there’s an old chinese guy hawking up a loogie from deep inside his soul that probably has particulates from the Qing Dynasty.

8. Don’t Drink The Water. Well duh. Andy your tips are getting pretty lame here. Hey asshole, I wasn’t finished… even some bottled water is not ok to drink. The amazing thing about the human body, if you’re sensitive to your own body, is that you’ll know almost immediately that it’s not good. There’s one that comes in a fancy bottle called Watson’s that is regularly contaminated. I drink a sip of this and immediately my stomach turns over.

9. That’s fuckin’ teamwork. Chinese girls will often share the load by carrying a plastic shopping bag down the street with each one holding a handle. See the photo below for reference. It’s cute and I tried it once and it does make it easier but sometimes creates awkward confrontations with oncoming pedestrians.

10. Chinese girls also hold hands. They’re not lesbians. Chinese guys sometimes walk around with their arms around each others neck, and are also not gay. It’s possible that some of them are gay and are taking advantage of this being culturally okay but there’s really no way to even quantify or investigate that, but certainly it does happen.

11. Chinese “Great Wall” Brand Wine is foul. Really.  Probably some of the vilest stuff i’ve had since this one time I went camping, left the ice chest with a few beers outside for 3 afternoons, came home at night and saw the chest, removed the beers, refrigerated and drank it later that night. Great Wall wine tastes like how windex smells.

12. People in China love the number 8. The reason is that eight is pronounced Bah, which sounds like Fa, which means Wealth or Prosperity. Also they love 88 because it resembles this character: 囍, which means Double Joy or Double Happiness, which is a kind of happiness that is only possible at a wedding. To add to this, it’s also the name of a popular brand of cigarettes. A pack of Shuang Xi’s (囍) vary in price depending on which variety you want. My friend Felix smokes the 6 元 per pack (84 cents) ones, but if you’re feeling fancy you can spend up to 30元 per pack. I spoke about developing a Quadruple Happiness brand (囍囍!!!!!)  that will practically make your head pop off with happiness to Felix and he didn’t think the idea was funny at all.

13. Chinese People Like or Don’t Really Get This Blog. But they are never angered by it or offended, and I don’t aim to be offensive but sometimes I joke around. Most Chinese people I know who’ve read this blog are just like “Why write about China? What’s the big deal?” . They think, oddly, that I’d write about America since I know more about that.

14. Workers often wear sportscoats and slacks to dig holes. I don’t understand it really. Also, the bike taxi guys wear similar outfits. So do beggars– if not that outfit they wear the Mao jacket with matching pants. Mafia guys wear athletic warm-up clothing or sorta 1980’s gay clothing. Office girls dress like prostitutes. Prostitutes dress like office girls. Hong Kong business guys dress like American yuppie casual (The North Face, Eddie Bauer, etc). Girls in front of massage parlors wear furry jackets and traditional dresses. The girls at the bowling alley wear track suits. All girls wear what would be described in the coastal US as “Granny Panties”. Guys wear briefs or gross underwear-in-a-tube type things. The other day I saw this old white guy wearing a fancy, ornate Mao jacket with his Chinese wife/girlfriend inside of a KFC. I had a series of wtf moments like… gone native.. posterboy for old gross foreigner..poser… pervert… KFC??

12. Most office buildings have hotels built into them. Oh cool, for visiting businessmen. Yeah but they rent them in 3 hour blocks.. oh cool, in case someone wants to stretch out a little, rest their eyes a little... Yeah, something like that. There’s one in my office building and I see nervous couples and unbothered hooker and customer duos all the time. Last Thursday this kind looking old Chinese guy was heading up with a 21 year old and a bag of snacks– like fish crackers and stuff.

13. Time Passes Strangely. 3 months in China for me felt like 6 or 9 months— in a very neutral way; not good or bad. The best way I can describe time passing slow here is just that your life is more dense. You learn a lot. You get mad a lot. You are happy a lot. You’re confused a lot. Now that i’ve been here for 7  months I feel like i’ve been here a year. I think living in such a foreign place just wakes you up. You pay closer attention to everything. Back home I was so familiar with everything that I just slept through life most of the time.

14. Chinese Culture is hard to define. “How’s China?”, people ask me.  It’s, uh, China I say. American culture is  also hard to define, until you’re not inside of it. Then it’s easy. Don’t mind what those snot nosed, scarf wearing, suburbanite tramps say after returning from Europe— Americans do have a culture.   If you don’t think America has a rich, positive culture you’re just not apart of it or don’t understand what the word culture means. You probably think it means old buildings,  exclusionary behavior or dressing like an asshole.

It was shocking to see all those people camped out  there but what was more shocking is that they weren’t mad to be waiting around like that. They seemed happy actually.

To better explain Chinese New Year in Guangdong Province (you might know it by its old name, Canton, i.e. Cantonese) you have to start from the beginning.

When an average Chinese person reaches working age in a rural area they have a few options:  farm, get married/have kids, or go work in a big city at a factory and then move on to a better job.

Doing this last one, is to “go out”, or Chuqu.

I asked my friend Li Hong Yen about this time period  and she said “I finished school. I had not much to do, not so much money or skills. I was bored. So I went out.”

The interesting thing about going out in China is that so many people do it that it’s an ingrained part of their culture. Parents in the US get worried when their kids go away to a sanitized University– imagine setting out on your own to work in some dirty factory for god knows how long. They don’t feel sorry for themselves about it nor do they think it’s weird. If you stay in your hometown you have a pretty good idea about how that will be, going out means endless possibilities.

One thing they report is that their parents constantly ask them when they’ll be married and to only marry someone from their province. To put this into perspective, imagine a girl from Davenport, Iowa goes to New York City and her family tells her to only date boys from Western Iowa while in NYC.

Often they work in factories, and it sucks, but it’s only for a year and to save money. Most factory workers are women, most are between 17-19. In some sense, it’s too bad that the US thinks we’re too good and clean to have factories. I think there’s a lot of aimless 18 year olds that would be happy to work at a factory while they sorted out what it is they want to do. Li Hong Yen worked at a factory, “We made shoes” she said like you might say you just made cookies. Someone needs to make shoes, after all. Now she works in merchandising for an import/export company and lives in an apartment and not a dormitory.

In China, leaving home, family and friends and working yourself silly a thousand miles away is seen as a rite of passage.

Case in point, there’s a Taiwanese song from 1979 (the year I was born, incidentally) called “The Olive Tree” that is about Taiwanese people traveling far away for school and work. Because of all the Chuquing going on in mainland China it became a hit with those who had chosen to go out.

The main chorus is:

Don’t ask me where I’m from. My hometown is far away. Why wander so far? For the olive tree in my dreams

So i’m back at the train station and there’s all these people and they are sleeping, reading books, playing checkers, talking, cooking food— just hanging out waiting. While this seems like it sucks, I think past generations of Americans in the military have gone through this and made some of the best bonds and memories of their lives. It’s this struggle that makes people happy, ultimately, I think. Modern America has reduced, and continues to, reduce the amount of struggle people have to endure. But without the struggle we have no payoff. We need a payoff.

Today I called Li Hong Yen to see how she was getting on (16 hours into her train ride) and she said that she had to call me later because she was playing cards with some people on the train.

When she arrives in her hometown, along with her other family who’ve traveled a comparable distance, everyone will let loose and party for the next 10 days or so because they probably won’t see each other until next spring festival and it was so hard to get there.

This got me thinking about the people I know from Canada and how they are such fun-loving, satisfied  people and I think I nailed it down to the fact that in Canada is very cold for most months out of the year and there’s only a short time when you can be outside and enjoy the summer weather.

I contrasted both of these thoughts with being from Los Angeles where have a surfeit of good weather (and presumably free time that is easily had) and because of that we don’t enjoy our free time or our good weather. Wealth is wasted on the old and youth is wasted on the young.

Back to the Canadians, their version of The Olive Tree is a song by Ian Tyson that Neil Young (a Canadian also) did a better job with called Four Strong Winds. The song, according to friends from Canada, is their unofficial national anthem because they can all relate to having to live their life and have fun when they can before the terrible winter starts.

Here are some lyrics from that song:

Think I’ll go out to Alberta
Weather’s good there in the fall
I got some friends that I could go working for
Still I wish you’d change your mind if I asked you one more time
But we’ve been through this a hundred times or more

Four strong winds that blow lonely
Seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change
Come what may
If the good times are all gone
The I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I‘m ever back this way

If I get there before the snow flies and if things are looking good
You could meet me if I send you down the fare
But by then it would be winter
Not too much for you to do
And those winds sure can get cold way out there

The good times are all gone
So I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I’m ever back this way

So despite my pushing and screaming, i’ve had a cultural experience here in China. I respect and in some ways, envy, their Chinese New Year and how it’s a scarce period of rest like how Canada has a short window of good weather.  Things  in a lot of ways are too easy for those from warm, urban areas. We take too much for granted and as a result do little with the time or resources that we have.

For example, I’ll never know how it feels to spend a week with family after traveling 20 hours by train and working for the past 11 1/2 months a thousand miles from home. Or how summer feels after a hellish winter. China has hellish winters too, only adding to their misery+relief happiness when it’s all over with. Those lucky Hun Dans (this means bastards but I doubt its pluralized with an S like english is).

Here’s Neil Young and some of his friends singing about Canada:

Oh, about my Chinese New Year. My best friend is coming to visit and we’re going to fuck around in China for awhile then go to Boracay Beach in the Philippines.

I hope a couple of assholes like us from LA— tired, balding, 30 years old, unmarried, collared shirt depressed office monkeys– will be drinking a cold beer in 80 degree weather looking at this beautiful turquoise water.

It took us a long time to get here too.

This message plays after the driver dips the red vacant sign that starts the meter.  One of the first things that you’ll notice is that there isn’t a female end for the seat belts. And you’ll wish there was.

so from what i understand i put key in and then try and crash pedestrian, correct?

My first cab ride in China was terrifying. It didn’t start that way.

Ni Hao, Na Lia.

I asked if I could smoke in his cab and he said I could and that he would smoke too.

Cab rides start off slow. They never start in 1st gear because they think starting in second will save them gas money.  Of course this ruins the transmission, which is a lot more expensive than gas, but I guess they don’t care. So by the time you rattle up to speed its as if you just robbed a bank and the police are hot on your trail:

Zooming in and out of traffic. Honking and menacing pedestrians. Cutting people off. Sharing lanes that weren’t meant to be shared.

My first cab ride I was like, whoa my cab driver is driving like an asshole.

Is my taxi driver an asshole?  He doesn’t seem like an asshole but why is he driving like this?

After awhile you realize they all drive like assholes, unless they’re really old, and when they are it’s weird that you miss the asshole drivers because while it is terrifying you do get places quickly.

Another thing about taxi drivers is that if they don’t want to take you somewhere they’ll pretend to not understand you. Just sit there and say yes over and over and repeat your destination. They don’t like my street because theres a lot of restaurants and traffic and it makes it difficult for them to get another ass in the seat quickly.

Also expect to listen to either shitty cantonese ballads or talk radio that sounds really rehearsed and polite. If the driver hears a song he likes he’ll turn it up and rock out and sometimes sing along.

If you see two cabs and one has a GPS thing on the dash pick the one without it. The driver with the GPS is a new driver and probably doesn’t know where anything is and unless your chinese is good you’ll be fucked.

Some quick tips:

• Save business cards to places you go often or learn to say their chinese name
• Save your address in chinese on your phone somewhere so you can just show it to them.
• If you feel like they’re taking you the long way just keep asking where they are going. This makes them think you know a faster way and basically tells them to cut the crap.
• It says no smoking but you can smoke in 99% of taxis
• You can also drink alcohol in Taxis
• I’m not sure about eating in the taxi as portable food isn’t super popular in China
• Most taxis have annoying advertising monitors behind the front seats which have sort of an iPhone interface where you can select different ads or crap games. Believe me there is nothing good to look at on those. Turn them off as soon as you get inside the cab.
• The driver will always ask you where you’re from (if you’re clearly a foreigner). When you say Mei Gua (if you’re from America) they will usually give you a thumbs up and say “America is very good”. I’ve had this exact conversation 1,000 times.  I just nod, yeah it’s good, thanks, China is good too.
• If you’re waiting for a cab and you see one and wave him down don’t think that just because you waved it down some bastard (Hun Dan, I learned a new word) won’t walk up and jump in right in front of you. It’s happened to me twice.  Two other times it almost happened and I said “no no no, you can’t, i am very angry” and they stepped aside.
• Strangers do not share cabs in China. Forget that possibility.
• Don’t take unmarked taxis. It’s just a hassle and they’ll usually rip you off.

And fellow Shenzhen Wai Laos, stop tipping the taxis. Everytime I give them 20 kuai on a 16 kuai ride its taking longer and longer to get my change. I know why this is happening. Stop it.

And i dont know how to say “just kidding” in chinese.

i dont know if there’s a word for joking.

the chinese do not have a rich tradition of joking.

“you say you want gourou, you eat gourou!”

It was pretty good.

i’m back in LA in two weeks. my friend felix says he must eat it once per week. imagine if i’m out at 3am, cruising the streets of monterrey park and alhambra, looking for dogmeat like a junkie might look for heroin.

Part of what i’m experiencing is what anthropologists call “going native”. The stress involved in being in another culture and country, the pressure to conform to the local standards– it may be all of this however I have not really tried to conform in any other ways. I guess to me eating dog is the crown jewel of cultural weirdness here, in my mind, and I did it to pay some sort of penance. The way Greeks visiting Rome may have allowed themselves to be apart of barbaric and painful blood rituals in order to show affinity.

Also, as mentioned, it tastes pretty good.

a serious HK journalist being culturally insensitive

You don’t have to tip in China.

With that, let’s  go:

1. An interesting thing about China is that if you want to sit at a table in a popular bar or nightclub– any table– you need to either buy a bottle or spend a certain amount of money (maybe 300 Yuan or more).  This seems like bullshit but if you’ll be around for a day or so you can check your unfinished bottle into a locker and come back to meet it later by using a ticket. Oh hey, I remember you.
2. Chinese men will refer to poor foreigners as “drink holders” because they just buy one drink and stand around and hit on girls. The thinking is, I guess, if you’re gonna come to my country and my bar and try to bag up my babes, you better be paying good money. Also, there’s the “if you can’t afford to play by the rules don’t come here” thing which sorta makes sense.
3. Most Chinese people go to bars in groups of 4 or more and it’s considered rude to walk up and talk to a mixed group. You can however approach a group of girls or boys or anywhere the ratio is 2:1. If its 3 girls and 3 guys they will be offended.
4. Chinese (and Hong Kongers visiting) will often invite you over for a drink of their drinks. Have a few but don’t camp out there, although they probably wouldn’t mind you’ll feel bad. Don’t offer them any money as this is seen as an insult (like you think you’re better or more successful than them).
5. Bottles of booze aren’t cheap (300-400 RMB for starters) and usually the cheapest one is some brand of whiskey I guarantee you’ve never heard of .  And the selection is crap: whiskey, vodka, wine, champagne and some vile shit like Cointreau.
6. Snacks and mixers are sometimes included and sometimes extra.  Look at the menu. Often they will bring you a beautiful plate of fruit at the end of your night. Don’t get pissed and flip the table over and say “You’re cheating me! I didn’t order this!” (”Ni zuan wo! wo meiyou ling zhega!”)  if you didn’t order it then it’s free.
7. Whiskey (American and Scotch) is huge in China and good brands are available yet it’s always mixed into a glass pitcher, sometimes called a Jar, (usually by a persistent waiter (fuwuyuan— sounds like foo-yee-en) who wants you to finish up and pop a new one.  Usually it’s mixed with Green Tea which is refreshing but sort of gets boring after awhile. Even if you have a bunch of cokes or red bulls someone will pour them all into the pitcher.
8. The reason for the pitcher is because you’re supposed to pour your friends drinks for them and they for you. Also it’s convenient to not have to mix each drink on its own. Notice if your friends drinks are low and fill ‘em up. I like this custom.
9. If you want to  get the waiters attention you should place a napkin on the top of your head until they acknowledge you. It’s used as a flag or something and is considered more polite than yelling “Fuwuyuan!”
10. If someone offers you a drink and you refuse a good way to say no is “Your mother is a whore”, because you’re pretty much saying that by refusing. Don’t refuse drinks.
11. Its impolite to touch anyone deliberately but not impolite to bump into someone or touch them because they’re in your way.
12. If you’re in a taxi and you want to go to a bar say “Jo-Bar” and then the bar’s name. If the bar has the name Bar in it say “Jo Bar Bar Chicago” for instance. Except C’s are always pronounced like Ch so Chicago is pronounced “Chichago”.
13. Chinese are not, on average, great dancers. If you’re a bad or self conscious dancer feel free to let loose in China, you’ll fit in fine.
14. Most bars play American songs most of the time. Most people cannot understand a word of it. That said, you’ll hear a few Chinese sounds that sound pretty good and you can’t understand a word of that either.
15. Every Chinese person has an English name, and somehow it usually suits them really well. It has nothing to do with their Chinese name usually. Don’t ask someone their Chinese name unless you really care or you’re some kind of “wanting to learn culture” cockrocker. It’s just dumb.
16. If a woman is too friendly with you in a bar she’s either a hooker, a hustler,  or has screwed every white guy around you for free. Avoid.
17. There’s usually a security guard or something that looks like a bouncer at the front of the bar. You do not need to acknowledge his presence in any way and is there only to say “hey we have a security uniform, don’t fuck around here”.
18. If there’s one or more girls in front of a bar wearing fur coats it’s a whore bar. Stay out.  I’ve heard stories of Wai Laos being forced to pay 2000 RMB by gangsters who’ve locked the door to the bar impeding their exit.
19. If a man is too friendly with you, just like in the States, he’s probably a gay. I got hit on in the bathroom by a gay guy and he watched and talked to me as I went pee. Glad to see that aspect American gay culture has crossed oceans. Be firm with gay guys or they’ll touch you or kiss your cheek.
20. If you’re at a club or nice bar they sort of expect you to drink liquor and not beer. Beer is to be drinken at dinner or if you segueway out of dinner into drinking at the same place. In that case, nobody will be mad at you for producing  bottle of booze but don’t expect to order it at a casual restaurant.
21. Most people order beers in twos. They come in big Forty Ouncer size bottles but are less than 40 ounces I think. Say: “Fuwuyen! Er Ching-Dao (Tsingtao)”. This is most likely because Chinese are really into having a bounty of whatever it is they’re consuming and also Tsingtaos are cheap and plentiful so if you don’t finish it it’s not a big deal.

One of these tips isn’t true.

If you said ‘take the elevator’ give yourself a pat on the back. You’re gonna go far.

Using an elevator in China is different than using one in other places.

Let’s begin.

Getting Started

Walk up to the elevator and push the button several times.

Now pace around and look at the floor numbers that the other elevators are on.You must be very serious about this. If you’ve ever seen stressed out stock brokers staring at the different stock tickers make your face look like this.

When you’ve found a winner stand in front of the door. No scoot up, you’re like a mile from the door. 1.5 feet away minimum.

If you’re elevator bingo skills (knowing which elevator will arrive at your floor first) are bad and you’ve miscalculated just walk quickly to the correct elevator.  Someone will likely be waiting at that same elevator but feel free to stand in a more optimum entry point than they are.

It’s their fault they aren’t standing closer or blocking you.

Let’s Get On

The door opens and the first thing you might notice are other humanoids trying to exit the elevator. But you’re trying to go in the elevator.

Two roads you can take here:

1. Wait patiently for the 5 or 6 seconds it takes for the annoying not-you elevator riders to disembark.

2. Walk right on in.

If you picked #2 you’re a natural at riding elevators in China.

You’re In

Now that you’re in stand as close to the door as possible. Remember this is a means of transportation and not a 5 star resort; the goal here is in and out.

If you can, stand as close to the control box as possible– i mean so close that others can’t press their floor number– and if you can,  operate this complex machine yourself.

I’ve highlighted the only two important buttons for you in the image above: your floor and the close door button.

Now you’ll notice something interesting at this point. Remember those assholes earlier that were getting out of the elevator as you were getting on?

New problem: several different assholes are now trying to get into your elevator.

This is sort of just the nature of riding elevators but there is something you can do to mitigate lost time or inconvenience: see the close door button?

Use it and use it often.

Scenario A

An elderly man is trying his best to make it to the elevator before the door closes but the old legs don’t work like they once did.

Scenario B

An attractive businesswoman is running late and is jogging towards the elevator you’re in. The door is closing.

For both of these scenarios the proper response is the door close button.

During Your Travels

You’re moving on up! While traveling be sure to stare at people in the elevator. If everyone is staring at one person they’ve done the research for you. Stare at that person too.

Now you notice that it’s taking an extra 5 seconds for the door to close. The reason: some burnout is standing in front of the controls but is not using the close door button judiciously. Simply nudge your way in front of him, give him a dissatisfied look and groan, and show him how it’s done.

When it’s time to exit at your floor break this down to the bare essentials. Mentally draw a straight line out of the elevator and walk it.

Extended Learnings

After awhile you’ll notice that you’re getting to your floor faster and with less people to slow you down, but if you’re not crushing at least one person per week with the elevator doors you’re doing something terribly wrong.

Legend has it that a seasoned Elevator Operator in Beijing once crushed 35 people in the elevator doors in a single day.

We can dream, can’t we?