It was shocking to see all those people camped out  there but what was more shocking is that they weren’t mad to be waiting around like that. They seemed happy actually.

To better explain Chinese New Year in Guangdong Province (you might know it by its old name, Canton, i.e. Cantonese) you have to start from the beginning.

When an average Chinese person reaches working age in a rural area they have a few options:  farm, get married/have kids, or go work in a big city at a factory and then move on to a better job.

Doing this last one, is to “go out”, or Chuqu.

I asked my friend Li Hong Yen about this time period  and she said “I finished school. I had not much to do, not so much money or skills. I was bored. So I went out.”

The interesting thing about going out in China is that so many people do it that it’s an ingrained part of their culture. Parents in the US get worried when their kids go away to a sanitized University– imagine setting out on your own to work in some dirty factory for god knows how long. They don’t feel sorry for themselves about it nor do they think it’s weird. If you stay in your hometown you have a pretty good idea about how that will be, going out means endless possibilities.

One thing they report is that their parents constantly ask them when they’ll be married and to only marry someone from their province. To put this into perspective, imagine a girl from Davenport, Iowa goes to New York City and her family tells her to only date boys from Western Iowa while in NYC.

Often they work in factories, and it sucks, but it’s only for a year and to save money. Most factory workers are women, most are between 17-19. In some sense, it’s too bad that the US thinks we’re too good and clean to have factories. I think there’s a lot of aimless 18 year olds that would be happy to work at a factory while they sorted out what it is they want to do. Li Hong Yen worked at a factory, “We made shoes” she said like you might say you just made cookies. Someone needs to make shoes, after all. Now she works in merchandising for an import/export company and lives in an apartment and not a dormitory.

In China, leaving home, family and friends and working yourself silly a thousand miles away is seen as a rite of passage.

Case in point, there’s a Taiwanese song from 1979 (the year I was born, incidentally) called “The Olive Tree” that is about Taiwanese people traveling far away for school and work. Because of all the Chuquing going on in mainland China it became a hit with those who had chosen to go out.

The main chorus is:

Don’t ask me where I’m from. My hometown is far away. Why wander so far? For the olive tree in my dreams

So i’m back at the train station and there’s all these people and they are sleeping, reading books, playing checkers, talking, cooking food— just hanging out waiting. While this seems like it sucks, I think past generations of Americans in the military have gone through this and made some of the best bonds and memories of their lives. It’s this struggle that makes people happy, ultimately, I think. Modern America has reduced, and continues to, reduce the amount of struggle people have to endure. But without the struggle we have no payoff. We need a payoff.

Today I called Li Hong Yen to see how she was getting on (16 hours into her train ride) and she said that she had to call me later because she was playing cards with some people on the train.

When she arrives in her hometown, along with her other family who’ve traveled a comparable distance, everyone will let loose and party for the next 10 days or so because they probably won’t see each other until next spring festival and it was so hard to get there.

This got me thinking about the people I know from Canada and how they are such fun-loving, satisfied  people and I think I nailed it down to the fact that in Canada is very cold for most months out of the year and there’s only a short time when you can be outside and enjoy the summer weather.

I contrasted both of these thoughts with being from Los Angeles where have a surfeit of good weather (and presumably free time that is easily had) and because of that we don’t enjoy our free time or our good weather. Wealth is wasted on the old and youth is wasted on the young.

Back to the Canadians, their version of The Olive Tree is a song by Ian Tyson that Neil Young (a Canadian also) did a better job with called Four Strong Winds. The song, according to friends from Canada, is their unofficial national anthem because they can all relate to having to live their life and have fun when they can before the terrible winter starts.

Here are some lyrics from that song:

Think I’ll go out to Alberta
Weather’s good there in the fall
I got some friends that I could go working for
Still I wish you’d change your mind if I asked you one more time
But we’ve been through this a hundred times or more

Four strong winds that blow lonely
Seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change
Come what may
If the good times are all gone
The I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I‘m ever back this way

If I get there before the snow flies and if things are looking good
You could meet me if I send you down the fare
But by then it would be winter
Not too much for you to do
And those winds sure can get cold way out there

The good times are all gone
So I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I’m ever back this way

So despite my pushing and screaming, i’ve had a cultural experience here in China. I respect and in some ways, envy, their Chinese New Year and how it’s a scarce period of rest like how Canada has a short window of good weather.  Things  in a lot of ways are too easy for those from warm, urban areas. We take too much for granted and as a result do little with the time or resources that we have.

For example, I’ll never know how it feels to spend a week with family after traveling 20 hours by train and working for the past 11 1/2 months a thousand miles from home. Or how summer feels after a hellish winter. China has hellish winters too, only adding to their misery+relief happiness when it’s all over with. Those lucky Hun Dans (this means bastards but I doubt its pluralized with an S like english is).

Here’s Neil Young and some of his friends singing about Canada:

Oh, about my Chinese New Year. My best friend is coming to visit and we’re going to fuck around in China for awhile then go to Boracay Beach in the Philippines.

I hope a couple of assholes like us from LA— tired, balding, 30 years old, unmarried, collared shirt depressed office monkeys– will be drinking a cold beer in 80 degree weather looking at this beautiful turquoise water.

And will actually realize how long it took us to get here.

Not sure what it is but in China the two most safely guarded resources are : toilet paper (qi jin) and plastic bags (tai zah).

For instance none of the bathrooms are equipped with toilet paper, unless you’re at a fancy hotel or restaurant. They expect you to carry it around with you.

Now if you go to a store and  buy a crapload of stuff, say 5 40 ouncers of Tsingtao, they’ll be like “Ni Tai zah ma?” (You want a bag?).

Bag prices range from a few Mao (very small amount of money not measurable in American money.. lets say its equal to letting a person smell a dollar you have or put a penny in their mouth and then you taking it back) to maybe 1 Yuan (.14 cents).

The amazing thing is if you say yes, what with your 5 forties of Tsingtao and all they sort of look at you like “Well hello mr big spender”.

The other day I almost crapped my pants at the mall and tracking down toilet paper was a race against the clock to save the United States from a terrorist attack (my pants being the United States, eh you get the idea…)

Finally I found a machine that sold little napkin packages, but it only took 1 yuan coins and I only had 1 yuan bills (no, that didn’t happen…) so I had to like explain to people who work cash registers in my broken chinese why I wanted the coins instead of the bills.

It’d be like if someone was trying to urgently trade you two nickels for a dime. You’d think they had mental problems.

Anyhow, I think China needs to realize that if you make something so readily available people won’t abuse it. Unless they’re chinese people. Well, I guess this is sort of a catch-22. For example, McDonalds doesn’t hand out unlimited ketchup in China, the reason is that while you might go to McDonalds and see that as ketchup you can use there (you’ve probably got a bottle at home) Chinese people are like “Hey, free ketchup!”

This message plays after the driver dips the red vacant sign that starts the meter.  One of the first things that you’ll notice is that there isn’t a female end for the seat belts. And you’ll wish there was.

so from what i understand i put key in and then try and crash pedestrian, correct?

My first cab ride in China was terrifying. It didn’t start that way.

Ni Hao, Na Lia.

I asked if I could smoke in his cab and he said I could and that he would smoke too.

Cab rides start off slow. They never start in 1st gear because they think starting in second will save them gas money.  Of course this ruins the transmission, which is a lot more expensive than gas, but I guess they don’t care. So by the time you rattle up to speed its as if you just robbed a bank and the police are hot on your trail:

Zooming in and out of traffic. Honking and menacing pedestrians. Cutting people off. Sharing lanes that weren’t meant to be shared.

My first cab ride I was like, whoa my cab driver is driving like an asshole.

Is my taxi driver an asshole?  He doesn’t seem like an asshole but why is he driving like this?

After awhile you realize they all drive like assholes, unless they’re really old, and when they are it’s weird that you miss the asshole drivers because while it is terrifying you do get places quickly.

Another thing about taxi drivers is that if they don’t want to take you somewhere they’ll pretend to not understand you. Just sit there and say yes over and over and repeat your destination. They don’t like my street because theres a lot of restaurants and traffic and it makes it difficult for them to get another ass in the seat quickly.

Also expect to listen to either shitty cantonese ballads or talk radio that sounds really rehearsed and polite. If the driver hears a song he likes he’ll turn it up and rock out and sometimes sing along.

If you see two cabs and one has a GPS thing on the dash pick the one without it. The driver with the GPS is a new driver and probably doesn’t know where anything is and unless your chinese is good you’ll be fucked.

Some quick tips:

• Save business cards to places you go often or learn to say their chinese name
• Save your address in chinese on your phone somewhere so you can just show it to them.
• If you feel like they’re taking you the long way just keep asking where they are going. This makes them think you know a faster way and basically tells them to cut the crap.
• It says no smoking but you can smoke in 99% of taxis
• You can also drink alcohol in Taxis
• I’m not sure about eating in the taxi as portable food isn’t super popular in China
• Most taxis have annoying advertising monitors behind the front seats which have sort of an iPhone interface where you can select different ads or crap games. Believe me there is nothing good to look at on those. Turn them off as soon as you get inside the cab.
• The driver will always ask you where you’re from (if you’re clearly a foreigner). When you say Mei Gua (if you’re from America) they will usually give you a thumbs up and say “America is very good”. I’ve had this exact conversation 1,000 times.  I just nod, yeah it’s good, thanks, China is good too.
• If you’re waiting for a cab and you see one and wave him down don’t think that just because you waved it down some bastard (Hun Dan, I learned a new word) won’t walk up and jump in right in front of you. It’s happened to me twice.  Two other times it almost happened and I said “no no no, you can’t, i am very angry” and they stepped aside.
• Strangers do not share cabs in China. Forget that possibility.
• Don’t take unmarked taxis. It’s just a hassle and they’ll usually rip you off.

And fellow Shenzhen Wai Laos, stop tipping the taxis. Everytime I give them 20 kuai on a 16 kuai ride its taking longer and longer to get my change. I know why this is happening. Stop it.

And i dont know how to say “just kidding” in chinese.

i dont know if there’s a word for joking.

the chinese do not have a rich tradition of joking.

“you say you want gourou, you eat gourou!”

It was pretty good.

i’m back in LA in two weeks. my friend felix says he must eat it once per week. imagine if i’m out at 3am, cruising the streets of monterrey park and alhambra, looking for dogmeat like a junkie might look for heroin.

Part of what i’m experiencing is what anthropologists call “going native”. The stress involved in being in another culture and country, the pressure to conform to the local standards– it may be all of this however I have not really tried to conform in any other ways. I guess to me eating dog is the crown jewel of cultural weirdness here, in my mind, and I did it to pay some sort of penance. The way Greeks visiting Rome may have allowed themselves to be apart of barbaric and painful blood rituals in order to show affinity.

Also, as mentioned, it tastes pretty good.

a serious HK journalist being culturally insensitive

In Hong Kong, it’s illegal to spit on the ground. “You will get a penalty!” my friend warned me. A penalty I guess is like a ticket. 1500 Hong Kong Dollars ($150) to be exact.

Also, I’m a bit of a litterbug when it comes to small things: cigarettes, wrappers, etc. In China the ground is your trashcan, in Hong Kong they take a similar stance to spitting, although there are trashcans everywhere with messages like “Love Our City!”.

If you’re eating something with shells or bones, in China they go on the ground. I would imagine you’d get thrown out of a restaurant in the US for this but really it’s easier for them to hire someone low waged to sweep it all up than to have waiters clean all the tables.

Walk around late at night on a busy street in a city in China and it looks like hell: shells, bones, lettuce, broken Tsingtao bottles, noodles, rice, misc rubbish, etc. By morning it’s as clean as a whistle. A dirty, smelly, chinese made whistle. But it looks clean!

I like this sort of thing.

Of course the seafood areas reek like seafood because it has so permeated the streets and sidewalks, but shouldn’t seafood areas smell like seafood?

I had to use one. The Chinese toilet that is.

It’s a popular design in other countries in Asia also. My friend Wesley claims its actually “cleaner”.

Local Wai Laos call it the “high dive” or “long drop” and once you use it, you’ll see why.

I thought I would never use it, but like eating dog, you can’t always choose these things.

The night started off normal enough. I shared a Chicken hot pot with a friend from Hong Kong and had a few beers and a dozen cigs. As I was leaving the restaurant to go to Maya City (which deserves its own post) I suddenly became very sure that i would need a toilet soon.

Since Maya City is an opulent spa with waterfalls and every convenience and amenity I was sure I would find a western toilet. As Plato says, only the fools are certain.

So there I was.

I was wearing a towel having just showered and I took the towel off and hung it on the hook and did my business. It was weird. It took athleticism. It wasn’t so bad.

God works in mysterious ways. That I not only had on only a towel and had a shower 10 feet away was certainly a gift, and without those two, i’m not sure I could have done it without incident.

But Wesley is right, there is something more clean and um, efficient, about it.

Shenzhen is full of thieves, prostitutes and hustlers.

That  said, it has a bad side too.

An example of a bad thing is that my area of Shenzhen, Luohu, is all city all the time.

Buses, trains, taxis, malls, stores, shops, shoppes, strip malls, bars, pubs, clubs etc etc. (Sorry, got tired of what I was doing there.)

There’s not much in the way of parks or recreation or the outdoors. I hear there’s a mountain directly to the west of me, though I’ve never been here on a clear enough day to see it. In SZ you can basically see 10 city blocks in any direction and then it sort of fades out into a movie like backdrop of blurriness that  says: “there’s more stuff over there but it’s not really that important to the plot here”.

On Thanksgiving I decided to venture out to the countryside, to the cold weather, to a place that has history, culture, stereotypically good food:

Hunan.

Just say it to yourself. It sounds good. (Hoo-Nawn)

You’ve probably heard of Hunan because like Sichuan, restaurants in the US will often name their restaurant after a Province.

Don’t be fooled, it’s pretty much all the same food in most of them, but if you come to China and try to order something you really like to eat at Hunan Palace or Sichuan Garden they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about:

Well certainly they have Egg Rolls. Nope.

General Tsaos Chicken? Nope.

Sweet and Sour– Nope.

Hey you interrupted me there man. Ok sorry, try one more time.

Egg Foo Young. Nope.

Let me try one more time. Orange Chicken! Nop– Ok, well actually they do have a chicken dish that uses the dried orange peel (chéunpí) but I guarantee you its only vaguely similar to the delicious orange chicken of those United States.

In other words if you ate it you’d be like who put this hard inedible dry shit in with these pieces of chicken and bone and carrots and peppers?!

Well where is that dish from Mr China?

Hunan.

With that I found a cheap ticket and flew to Changsha, Hunan Province. After landing at an airport located on the top of a mountain (for safety, certainly) I took a long cab ride down the valley to Changsha where a friend of a friend was waiting for me with a room key to a hotel he works at.

Keep in mind my chinese is that of a 4 year old boy at this point. It’s amazing I can get around like this.

The town was dead. It was  cold. I wanted to eat hot pot.

We headed out in a cab and I was like “this town sucks”, when it’s a smaller city and I had come there for that reason.

I remembered this and sort of cooled my jets and was like “Ok, I can eat hot pot in a tent”

Upon sticking my head into one of the above tents the locals looked at me here like a complete freak. Girls in China will often look, whisper to a friend, smile and then giggle. Men will look at you like “I hope you don’t plan to stay long”.

First few tents were dog and fish only.

Friends reading, I have to tell you I will probably eat dog again. I just don’t care anymore.

Anyhow, tent #5 had lamb.

My new friend quickly ordered some beers and then told me that he wanted me to try something, which was like chewing tobacco but makes you sorta stoned and tastes like “ancient chinese herbs”. You know the taste.

It looks like this:

I look like this eating it:

Anyhow, i’m still here in Hunan and I  went to the famous tower at Yueyang (a very nice city integrated with nature) and I planned to go to Chairman Mao’s House to take some photos and goof off but my pictures are all coming out horribly with this fog and I sort of miss Shenzhen.

This dude likes to get stoned on herbs and eat hot pot. Not a bad dude.

Overall, I think Hunan would be a great place to visit and check out the sights, but just not in Late November.

I usually just write the admins pure nonsense to bump my help ticket up. This time I chose a chinese theme:

Reset Please

—– Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:10:58 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Hi Andy,

No problem, we will let you know once this has been done.

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:36:15 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Please hurry, my friend richard pryor (not the black comedian; my friend works at home depot in the fittings department, pretty good benefits but that orange apron with the sharpie marker name tag is a little demeaning if you ask me) back home thinks the chinese have killed me and turned off myredchina.com blog site because i said chinese food makes me pee from my butt like a broken fire hydrint.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:41:15 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

it just occurred to me that if you’ve been taken over by the chinese government and turned off my blog site i shouldnt say i’m in china, since i’m not. i’m actually in alaska. it’s rather cold at the moment but this salmon sandwich and baked alaska dessert is to die for. i can send the recipes if you’re interested.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:50:05 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

I dont mean to freak out on you but earlier i said my friend richard pryor works at home depot. he actually works at the kentucky fried chicken on wilshire blvd and armacost ave in los angeles and his name is Javier Villegas and he had sex with my girlfriend once in past and he hates china real bad.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:04:00 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Ni Hao Comrades this is General Tsao with the military, i have Andy’s computer but need to look at his websites again for a little while. please turn them back on so that i can look at them. i have put andy into a bamboo jail as instructed for saying our wonderful food makes him volcano from his rear end. i slapped him across the face and hes real sorry and i will probably just let him go so this is an order to turn his websites back on and also not try to arrest him again as he is acting very contrite and offering to eat any delicious chinese dish i bring before him, even the gross one with jellyfish and carrot slices.

xiu xiu,

GT

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:06:13 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Hi,

The server which your VPS runs on has become unresponsive, we are having the DC techs check this now and will get back to you as soon as possible with an update.

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:32:01 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Kind Sir-

Ah very well, the DC technicians have arrived to put things in their right place. Please ask them to use restraint when handling Andy’s server files as i want to be the one to really work them over like the villain boss in american movies likes to handle his dirty work against his worst enemies with his own vengeful and mighty hands in a long and drawn out manner. By my calculations this will take about 6 months to fully destroy these files so please do not harm them in any way as you will be detracting from my great pleasure.

General Tsao

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:42:26 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

sir this is quite concerning to me that the famed DC technicians have not remedied this problem (so that i may systematically and painstakingly destroy this horrible online book) . Please tell them that General Tsao himself commands them to make the server come back from heaven at once or he will beat them within one centimeter of their life.

if service is restored within the hour i will send a large basket of persimmons and other popular chinese snacks that i cannot recall at the moment to your residence or place of work.

General Tsao

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 8:49:43 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Hi Andy,

We have run a FSCK on the servers disk at present, and your vps should be full accessible now. We here are very confused with your messages. We hope you are OK and your server issue is not related to chinese government.

Michael
Senior VPS Support

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Tue, November 24, 2009 5:12:22 AM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

I ate some magical mushrooms last night on accident. sorry.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—- Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tue, November 24, 2009 5:56:24 AM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

No problem

If you have any other issues feel free to let us know.

Regards.

Now let’s say you want to buy some produce at the supermarket. Naturally you’ll make your selections, bag em up, and bring them with the rest of your grocceries to the front of the store. In China it’s a little different.

You select your produce and then before going to the front of the store you stop at this station manned by the gentleman in the red sweatshirt in the above photo and he weighs it, puts a price tag on it and then swipes your bag through that red sticker machine which puts a sticker tie around  your bag.

Ah nice, so your vegetables don’t fall out of the bag— not quite, it’s more to keep people from adding more produce after they’ve already weighed their produce. Also notice he removes the bag when weighing (those are my potatoes btw), this is certainly because most Chinese people would complain that the bag adds extra weight.

Shoplifting is very common in China. Let’s say you buy something that comes in a box or a bag at Wal Mart. They will open the box or bag (say a blanket or whatever) and check to see if you’ve put anything extra inside there.

You might be thinking that’s insulting or presumptuous but of the two boxes i’ve seen checked both had extras inside.

The bargain hunter just sort of made a “Alright, alright” face as the clerk removed and scanned the items. The clerk was more like “well played, old chap” than angry or punitive.

In the US people would be all “What the fuck, I didn’t put that shit in there!”

To See A Larger Image Click here.

Because I was taking warm for 1 minute then freezing showers for the last week or so (and assuming I was maliciously given a faulty shower) I am sharing this in case you are having trouble with your shower in China (and can access this page) and need help.

The thing about water heaters in China is that they are instant water heaters— they heat water on the fly— whereas in the US and other places we have big hot water heaters with tanks full of water being kept warm at all times.

These save space and might be more efficient.

Left to Right:

The first knob is water volume.

If you routinely take short showers turn the knob to the left (away from the character for “many people”).  I’d leave it on the many people setting unless you like a machine making your shower decisions for you.

The second (middle knob) is, Summer or Winter?

This is more of a question than a setting. If you want winter turn to the left, if you want summer turn to the right. I assume that the water supplies are quite warm in summer and quite cold in winter so this is a very useful setting.

Knob #3 is Water Temperature.

For some reason (cough::: made in china::: cough) if you try to push it to the limit it will overheat and you’ll have a sudden surprise of cold water.

Happy Showering.