‎This video contains content from Vevo, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds

Look Vevo, this isn’t my country first off. Even if I was a citizen here i’m not sure i’d call it “my country”.

Here are are alternatives you might want to try:

• blah blah blah, who has blocked it in your location on copyright grounds
• this video is unavailable in your location due to copyright grounds
• Vevo can’t seem to figure out a copyright agreement with the third world land known as HONG KONG and therefore you cannot see this video
• This video is broken, but don’t check back later, I assure you it will still be broken for reasons that are too complex to get into at this moment.
• 由于一些外国人版权胡话，这录影不运转, chink

They call America MeiGuo which means “Beautiful Kingdom” or “Beautiful Country”.  What about France you ask? Fag’guo. Not even joking.

2. Most people in China are pretty friendly to foreigners but say “HALLO” to you all the time which gets a little annoying after 8 months. I’ve noted that when i’m dressing sharp or snappy I get more HALLOs then when i’m not.

3. Sprite is called Xue Bi ( Schway Bee) and Coke is called K’o K’ou K’o Le which means, roughly “let your mouth be happy” and also sounds like, well Coca Cola. 7-Up is qi qi (chi chi) and means 77. Beer is piujiu (pee-gee-oh), but usually you can just order Tsingtao (Ching Dow) as it’s really the finest beer around.

4. Breakfast options in China are limited. You have stuff that they eat for other meals (noodle soup, rice, etc) and then you have like bing bread– some bing bread is good, some is awful– depends on what’s inside. I’d say its sort of like a flat, dry exteriored piroshki, but more chewy. Ask whats inside before committing. They will run you about 1 yuan each (15 cents). You can also get dumplings, buns, etc. Many people eat hardboiled eggs too.

5.  Add Oil. If you’re feeling beaten down or depressed people will you to Ka-Yow (cantonese) or Jyah Yo (mandarin).  This means to add oil or gasoline. As far as Facebook in Hong Kong goes its probably the most often used comment. 加油! Add oil la! Oh yeah, they say “la” and “ah” and “ar” a lot too. Basically its a word particle that means nothing on its own but when added to something it sounds nice. For example “how are you la?”, or “I miss you la”, or “what you doing ar?”. You get the idea.

6. Generally, Chinese people don’t like ice or cold drinks. I know some who drink Tsingtao warm. Water is usually hot, sometimes warm, almost never cold. If you’re in a restaurant and you request ice water (baizah bing kuai shui, is how I say it, prob a better way) chinese people will look at you. Look at him, he loves that cold drink in his mouth. As such, finding like a bag of ice isn’t easy. If you need some for cocktails or something go to a restaurant, be sure to have a Chinese person tell them you want ice for drinks, otherwise it may be contaminated.

7. Chinese People Cover Their Mouths When They Use A Toothpick. This is sort of an asia-wide thing and is widely reported but when you consider that Chinese are pretty ok with most other personal grooming (or lack thereof) it’s a bit discordant. There’s spitting out a bad taste from your mouth and then there’s an old chinese guy hawking up a loogie from deep inside his soul that probably has particulates from the Qing Dynasty.

8. Don’t Drink The Water. Well duh. Andy your tips are getting pretty lame here. Hey asshole, I wasn’t finished… even some bottled water is not ok to drink. The amazing thing about the human body, if you’re sensitive to your own body, is that you’ll know almost immediately that it’s not good. There’s one that comes in a fancy bottle called Watson’s that is regularly contaminated. I drink a sip of this and immediately my stomach turns over.

9. That’s fuckin’ teamwork. Chinese girls will often share the load by carrying a plastic shopping bag down the street with each one holding a handle. See the photo below for reference. It’s cute and I tried it once and it does make it easier but sometimes creates awkward confrontations with oncoming pedestrians.

10. Chinese girls also hold hands. They’re not lesbians. Chinese guys sometimes walk around with their arms around each others neck, and are also not gay. It’s possible that some of them are gay and are taking advantage of this being culturally okay but there’s really no way to even quantify or investigate that, but certainly it does happen.

11. Chinese “Great Wall” Brand Wine is foul. Really.  Probably some of the vilest stuff i’ve had since this one time I went camping, left the ice chest with a few beers outside for 3 afternoons, came home at night and saw the chest, removed the beers, refrigerated and drank it later that night. Great Wall wine tastes like how windex smells.

12. People in China love the number 8. The reason is that eight is pronounced Bah, which sounds like Fa, which means Wealth or Prosperity. Also they love 88 because it resembles this character: 囍, which means Double Joy or Double Happiness, which is a kind of happiness that is only possible at a wedding. To add to this, it’s also the name of a popular brand of cigarettes. A pack of Shuang Xi’s (囍) vary in price depending on which variety you want. My friend Felix smokes the 6 元 per pack (84 cents) ones, but if you’re feeling fancy you can spend up to 30元 per pack. I spoke about developing a Quadruple Happiness brand (囍囍!!!!!)  that will practically make your head pop off with happiness to Felix and he didn’t think the idea was funny at all.

13. Chinese People Like or Don’t Really Get This Blog. But they are never angered by it or offended, and I don’t aim to be offensive but sometimes I joke around. Most Chinese people I know who’ve read this blog are just like “Why write about China? What’s the big deal?” . They think, oddly, that I’d write about America since I know more about that.

14. Workers often wear sportscoats and slacks to dig holes. I don’t understand it really. Also, the bike taxi guys wear similar outfits. So do beggars– if not that outfit they wear the Mao jacket with matching pants. Mafia guys wear athletic warm-up clothing or sorta 1980’s gay clothing. Office girls dress like prostitutes. Prostitutes dress like office girls. Hong Kong business guys dress like American yuppie casual (The North Face, Eddie Bauer, etc). Girls in front of massage parlors wear furry jackets and traditional dresses. The girls at the bowling alley wear track suits. All girls wear what would be described in the coastal US as “Granny Panties”. Guys wear briefs or gross underwear-in-a-tube type things. The other day I saw this old white guy wearing a fancy, ornate Mao jacket with his Chinese wife/girlfriend inside of a KFC. I had a series of wtf moments like… gone native.. posterboy for old gross foreigner..poser… pervert… KFC??

12. Most office buildings have hotels built into them. Oh cool, for visiting businessmen. Yeah but they rent them in 3 hour blocks.. oh cool, in case someone wants to stretch out a little, rest their eyes a little... Yeah, something like that. There’s one in my office building and I see nervous couples and unbothered hooker and customer duos all the time. Last Thursday this kind looking old Chinese guy was heading up with a 21 year old and a bag of snacks– like fish crackers and stuff.

13. Time Passes Strangely. 3 months in China for me felt like 6 or 9 months— in a very neutral way; not good or bad. The best way I can describe time passing slow here is just that your life is more dense. You learn a lot. You get mad a lot. You are happy a lot. You’re confused a lot. Now that i’ve been here for 7  months I feel like i’ve been here a year. I think living in such a foreign place just wakes you up. You pay closer attention to everything. Back home I was so familiar with everything that I just slept through life most of the time.

14. Chinese Culture is hard to define. “How’s China?”, people ask me.  It’s, uh, China I say. American culture is  also hard to define, until you’re not inside of it. Then it’s easy. Don’t mind what those snot nosed, scarf wearing, suburbanite tramps say after returning from Europe— Americans do have a culture.   If you don’t think America has a rich, positive culture you’re just not apart of it or don’t understand what the word culture means. You probably think it means old buildings,  exclusionary behavior or dressing like an asshole.

I usually just write the admins pure nonsense to bump my help ticket up. This time I chose a chinese theme:

Reset Please

—– Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:10:58 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Hi Andy,

No problem, we will let you know once this has been done.

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:36:15 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Please hurry, my friend richard pryor (not the black comedian; my friend works at home depot in the fittings department, pretty good benefits but that orange apron with the sharpie marker name tag is a little demeaning if you ask me) back home thinks the chinese have killed me and turned off myredchina.com blog site because i said chinese food makes me pee from my butt like a broken fire hydrint.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:41:15 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

it just occurred to me that if you’ve been taken over by the chinese government and turned off my blog site i shouldnt say i’m in china, since i’m not. i’m actually in alaska. it’s rather cold at the moment but this salmon sandwich and baked alaska dessert is to die for. i can send the recipes if you’re interested.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 6:50:05 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

I dont mean to freak out on you but earlier i said my friend richard pryor works at home depot. he actually works at the kentucky fried chicken on wilshire blvd and armacost ave in los angeles and his name is Javier Villegas and he had sex with my girlfriend once in past and he hates china real bad.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:04:00 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Ni Hao Comrades this is General Tsao with the military, i have Andy’s computer but need to look at his websites again for a little while. please turn them back on so that i can look at them. i have put andy into a bamboo jail as instructed for saying our wonderful food makes him volcano from his rear end. i slapped him across the face and hes real sorry and i will probably just let him go so this is an order to turn his websites back on and also not try to arrest him again as he is acting very contrite and offering to eat any delicious chinese dish i bring before him, even the gross one with jellyfish and carrot slices.

xiu xiu,

GT

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:06:13 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Hi,

The server which your VPS runs on has become unresponsive, we are having the DC techs check this now and will get back to you as soon as possible with an update.

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:32:01 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Kind Sir-

Ah very well, the DC technicians have arrived to put things in their right place. Please ask them to use restraint when handling Andy’s server files as i want to be the one to really work them over like the villain boss in american movies likes to handle his dirty work against his worst enemies with his own vengeful and mighty hands in a long and drawn out manner. By my calculations this will take about 6 months to fully destroy these files so please do not harm them in any way as you will be detracting from my great pleasure.

General Tsao

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 7:42:26 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

sir this is quite concerning to me that the famed DC technicians have not remedied this problem (so that i may systematically and painstakingly destroy this horrible online book) . Please tell them that General Tsao himself commands them to make the server come back from heaven at once or he will beat them within one centimeter of their life.

if service is restored within the hour i will send a large basket of persimmons and other popular chinese snacks that i cannot recall at the moment to your residence or place of work.

General Tsao

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—– Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 8:49:43 PM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

Hi Andy,

We have run a FSCK on the servers disk at present, and your vps should be full accessible now. We here are very confused with your messages. We hope you are OK and your server issue is not related to chinese government.

Michael
Senior VPS Support

—– Original Message —-
From: Andy Fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
To: vps@midphase.com
Sent: Tue, November 24, 2009 5:12:22 AM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

I ate some magical mushrooms last night on accident. sorry.

—————————
Andy Fox 213.281.8287

—- Original Message —-
From: “vps@midphase.com” <vps@midphase.com>
To: andy fox <andyfox1979@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tue, November 24, 2009 5:56:24 AM
Subject: Re: [#24239315] reset

No problem

If you have any other issues feel free to let us know.

Regards.

A green card isn’t something you can “win”.

You’d think this would be against Yahoo or Blue Lithium’s Terms Of Service.

As you might have guessed from the title of this post i’m moving to Shenzhen, China for work.

Shenzhen (prounounced Shen-Jen) is in the Guangdong province, which means not much to me except another instance of the word “dong” in a Chinese word. For any foreign readers, in the US ‘dong’ means a peenor. A peenor means a penis.

I will be moving to the Luohu/Dong Men area. I don’t really know what to expect or how cheap/not cheap apartments will be there. I’ve heard wildly conflicting reports. I’m also a little worried that I won’t make any friends and i’ll just live some depressing Dilbert type of life.

I know nothing about China.

I have a camera.

I like to drink Tsingtao beer.

I’ve been thrown out of several dozen bars.

This will be interesting.

(Advice please)