1. 7-11 delivers. You know when you’re hanging out with some friends and suddenly you realize that you need more beer, snacks, or cigarettes or some idiot girl is like “You know what would be really good right now? Ice cream!” and then all the other girls are like “yeah!”. Well in these cases, it’s simple: you pick up the phone and call 7-11. Very few minutes later a boy is at your door with a reusable bag and your order. If your Chinese isn’t so good don’t expect everything to be exactly right, for example they often bring me the New Tsingtao when I ask for the Classic Tsingtao (the new one is about 20 cents more per bottle.. ouch)  or if you ask for juice be lucky if you get something that came from a piece of fruit. Oh yeah, pretty much everywhere else delivers too.
2. Anything is possible with a little bit of money. Want fried noodles at 430am? No problem.  Need to move to a new apartment at 5 and its 4 now? Relax. Want to eat _____ (insert any animal there)? Eat away. Need a repairman on a Sunday night to fix pretty much anything? He might take 30 mins if he’s slow.
3. Things happen fast. I’ve been amazed at how quickly I can do things that are a pain in the ass in the US. For example when I moved recently I could’ve taken the apartment and moved in the same day I looked at it. Minutes after even. No credit checks, no waiting, nothing. Need cable or internet? There’s a cable rep downstairs in your building (or in a very nearby building). Bills are all paid to the management office in your building. Nothing is in your name really, you just go pay every month. Cash. There’s pretty much anyone available at any time to help you with whatever you might need.
4. Hot Pot. Hot pot is so great. I can’t even explain why, I just love it. And it’s spicy so it makes you drink more Tsingtao which is never a bad thing. Also most cities have about 10 different kinds of hot pot. I think Sichuan style is the best.
5. Massage. I’ve always liked getting massages but they’re really expensive back home and if you ask your girlfriend to give you one its like this quid pro quo situation in a sum zero game. If you massage her after she massages you then you feel tired and stressed again. If you massage her first, she’ll give you some crap massage and be like “sorry my hands hurt”.
6. Places in the US where normally you get shafted, they don’t shaft you in China. For example in the US convenience stores rip you off. In China there’s not really a price differential between something at a convenience store and something at the supermarket or a specialty store. Another example is the airport. The airports in China and Hong Kong are more or less the same price as a similar place outside of the airport. I think this is because the Chinese are so aware of being cheated that they would just refuse to pay the high prices and the gouging stores have learned this the hard way.
7. You’ll learn good habits. Like not putting your shoes on the bed or wearing flip flops inside. It took me some time but now I always wear flip flops or sandles inside. They call them “slippers”. If you’ve seen those things that suck all the bad stuff out of your body via your feet (I think they are bullshit but still) you’d not want to basically sponge up everything off the ground with your feet. Also, the reason Asian people in general take off their shoes when they go indoors is for one to keep it clean, but also because the streets in most asian countries are pretty foul and why would you want to track all that shit into your house. Walk through a wet market or seafood street and you’ll start taking your shoes off too.
8. People mind their own business. Mostly. This goes to extremes like if you walk down to a bar street and see some guy beating the shit out of his girlfriend in the front of the bar (rather common) or if you see someone getting beat up or otherwise bothered but for the most part Chinese just don’t give a crap what you’re doing and would rather you stay out of their business too.
9. Things are cheap. The reason for this I think is less because it’s a developing country and more because things are produced here and people know what it costs to make stuff. I think that in the US pricing models are a little bit messed up. For example, lets say you need a fan for your room or a keyboard. Well you probably know it takes about 50-75 cents to make but you’re willing to pay $10 for it—probably even pleased with the price you paid if you got it for 10. Why? Who knows. Chinese don’t put up with that crap. Shipping from the pearl river or Hong Kong harbor to the US isn’t that expensive, definitely not worth a 10X markup. A similar fan or keyboard would cost you about $2-4. Not peanuts cheap but more right-priced.
10. People aren’t ashamed to serve. Serving  others is a good thing. I’ll admit I’d rather not be a foot massager or bus boy but if you are there’s no shame in it and Chinese people aren’t ashamed of it. There is no weirdness between you two unless you create it. On a personal level, Chinese are very willing to serve you a drink, food or light your cigarette. Massaging someone else is not gay or romantic, just helping them feel better.

It was shocking to see all those people camped out  there but what was more shocking is that they weren’t mad to be waiting around like that. They seemed happy actually.

To better explain Chinese New Year in Guangdong Province (you might know it by its old name, Canton, i.e. Cantonese) you have to start from the beginning.

When an average Chinese person reaches working age in a rural area they have a few options:  farm, get married/have kids, or go work in a big city at a factory and then move on to a better job.

Doing this last one, is to “go out”, or Chuqu.

I asked my friend Li Hong Yen about this time period  and she said “I finished school. I had not much to do, not so much money or skills. I was bored. So I went out.”

The interesting thing about going out in China is that so many people do it that it’s an ingrained part of their culture. Parents in the US get worried when their kids go away to a sanitized University– imagine setting out on your own to work in some dirty factory for god knows how long. They don’t feel sorry for themselves about it nor do they think it’s weird. If you stay in your hometown you have a pretty good idea about how that will be, going out means endless possibilities.

One thing they report is that their parents constantly ask them when they’ll be married and to only marry someone from their province. To put this into perspective, imagine a girl from Davenport, Iowa goes to New York City and her family tells her to only date boys from Western Iowa while in NYC.

Often they work in factories, and it sucks, but it’s only for a year and to save money. Most factory workers are women, most are between 17-19. In some sense, it’s too bad that the US thinks we’re too good and clean to have factories. I think there’s a lot of aimless 18 year olds that would be happy to work at a factory while they sorted out what it is they want to do. Li Hong Yen worked at a factory, “We made shoes” she said like you might say you just made cookies. Someone needs to make shoes, after all. Now she works in merchandising for an import/export company and lives in an apartment and not a dormitory.

In China, leaving home, family and friends and working yourself silly a thousand miles away is seen as a rite of passage.

Case in point, there’s a Taiwanese song from 1979 (the year I was born, incidentally) called “The Olive Tree” that is about Taiwanese people traveling far away for school and work. Because of all the Chuquing going on in mainland China it became a hit with those who had chosen to go out.

The main chorus is:

Don’t ask me where I’m from. My hometown is far away. Why wander so far? For the olive tree in my dreams

So i’m back at the train station and there’s all these people and they are sleeping, reading books, playing checkers, talking, cooking food— just hanging out waiting. While this seems like it sucks, I think past generations of Americans in the military have gone through this and made some of the best bonds and memories of their lives. It’s this struggle that makes people happy, ultimately, I think. Modern America has reduced, and continues to, reduce the amount of struggle people have to endure. But without the struggle we have no payoff. We need a payoff.

Today I called Li Hong Yen to see how she was getting on (16 hours into her train ride) and she said that she had to call me later because she was playing cards with some people on the train.

When she arrives in her hometown, along with her other family who’ve traveled a comparable distance, everyone will let loose and party for the next 10 days or so because they probably won’t see each other until next spring festival and it was so hard to get there.

This got me thinking about the people I know from Canada and how they are such fun-loving, satisfied  people and I think I nailed it down to the fact that in Canada is very cold for most months out of the year and there’s only a short time when you can be outside and enjoy the summer weather.

I contrasted both of these thoughts with being from Los Angeles where have a surfeit of good weather (and presumably free time that is easily had) and because of that we don’t enjoy our free time or our good weather. Wealth is wasted on the old and youth is wasted on the young.

Back to the Canadians, their version of The Olive Tree is a song by Ian Tyson that Neil Young (a Canadian also) did a better job with called Four Strong Winds. The song, according to friends from Canada, is their unofficial national anthem because they can all relate to having to live their life and have fun when they can before the terrible winter starts.

Here are some lyrics from that song:

Think I’ll go out to Alberta
Weather’s good there in the fall
I got some friends that I could go working for
Still I wish you’d change your mind if I asked you one more time
But we’ve been through this a hundred times or more

Four strong winds that blow lonely
Seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change
Come what may
If the good times are all gone
The I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I‘m ever back this way

If I get there before the snow flies and if things are looking good
You could meet me if I send you down the fare
But by then it would be winter
Not too much for you to do
And those winds sure can get cold way out there

The good times are all gone
So I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I’m ever back this way

So despite my pushing and screaming, i’ve had a cultural experience here in China. I respect and in some ways, envy, their Chinese New Year and how it’s a scarce period of rest like how Canada has a short window of good weather.  Things  in a lot of ways are too easy for those from warm, urban areas. We take too much for granted and as a result do little with the time or resources that we have.

For example, I’ll never know how it feels to spend a week with family after traveling 20 hours by train and working for the past 11 1/2 months a thousand miles from home. Or how summer feels after a hellish winter. China has hellish winters too, only adding to their misery+relief happiness when it’s all over with. Those lucky Hun Dans (this means bastards but I doubt its pluralized with an S like english is).

Here’s Neil Young and some of his friends singing about Canada:

Oh, about my Chinese New Year. My best friend is coming to visit and we’re going to fuck around in China for awhile then go to Boracay Beach in the Philippines.

I hope a couple of assholes like us from LA— tired, balding, 30 years old, unmarried, collared shirt depressed office monkeys– will be drinking a cold beer in 80 degree weather looking at this beautiful turquoise water.

It took us a long time to get here too.

This message plays after the driver dips the red vacant sign that starts the meter.  One of the first things that you’ll notice is that there isn’t a female end for the seat belts. And you’ll wish there was.

so from what i understand i put key in and then try and crash pedestrian, correct?

My first cab ride in China was terrifying. It didn’t start that way.

Ni Hao, Na Lia.

I asked if I could smoke in his cab and he said I could and that he would smoke too.

Cab rides start off slow. They never start in 1st gear because they think starting in second will save them gas money.  Of course this ruins the transmission, which is a lot more expensive than gas, but I guess they don’t care. So by the time you rattle up to speed its as if you just robbed a bank and the police are hot on your trail:

Zooming in and out of traffic. Honking and menacing pedestrians. Cutting people off. Sharing lanes that weren’t meant to be shared.

My first cab ride I was like, whoa my cab driver is driving like an asshole.

Is my taxi driver an asshole?  He doesn’t seem like an asshole but why is he driving like this?

After awhile you realize they all drive like assholes, unless they’re really old, and when they are it’s weird that you miss the asshole drivers because while it is terrifying you do get places quickly.

Another thing about taxi drivers is that if they don’t want to take you somewhere they’ll pretend to not understand you. Just sit there and say yes over and over and repeat your destination. They don’t like my street because theres a lot of restaurants and traffic and it makes it difficult for them to get another ass in the seat quickly.

Also expect to listen to either shitty cantonese ballads or talk radio that sounds really rehearsed and polite. If the driver hears a song he likes he’ll turn it up and rock out and sometimes sing along.

If you see two cabs and one has a GPS thing on the dash pick the one without it. The driver with the GPS is a new driver and probably doesn’t know where anything is and unless your chinese is good you’ll be fucked.

Some quick tips:

• Save business cards to places you go often or learn to say their chinese name
• Save your address in chinese on your phone somewhere so you can just show it to them.
• If you feel like they’re taking you the long way just keep asking where they are going. This makes them think you know a faster way and basically tells them to cut the crap.
• It says no smoking but you can smoke in 99% of taxis
• You can also drink alcohol in Taxis
• I’m not sure about eating in the taxi as portable food isn’t super popular in China
• Most taxis have annoying advertising monitors behind the front seats which have sort of an iPhone interface where you can select different ads or crap games. Believe me there is nothing good to look at on those. Turn them off as soon as you get inside the cab.
• The driver will always ask you where you’re from (if you’re clearly a foreigner). When you say Mei Gua (if you’re from America) they will usually give you a thumbs up and say “America is very good”. I’ve had this exact conversation 1,000 times.  I just nod, yeah it’s good, thanks, China is good too.
• If you’re waiting for a cab and you see one and wave him down don’t think that just because you waved it down some bastard (Hun Dan, I learned a new word) won’t walk up and jump in right in front of you. It’s happened to me twice.  Two other times it almost happened and I said “no no no, you can’t, i am very angry” and they stepped aside.
• Strangers do not share cabs in China. Forget that possibility.
• Don’t take unmarked taxis. It’s just a hassle and they’ll usually rip you off.

And fellow Shenzhen Wai Laos, stop tipping the taxis. Everytime I give them 20 kuai on a 16 kuai ride its taking longer and longer to get my change. I know why this is happening. Stop it.

In Hong Kong, it’s illegal to spit on the ground. “You will get a penalty!” my friend warned me. A penalty I guess is like a ticket. 1500 Hong Kong Dollars ($150) to be exact.

Also, I’m a bit of a litterbug when it comes to small things: cigarettes, wrappers, etc. In China the ground is your trashcan, in Hong Kong they take a similar stance to spitting, although there are trashcans everywhere with messages like “Love Our City!”.

If you’re eating something with shells or bones, in China they go on the ground. I would imagine you’d get thrown out of a restaurant in the US for this but really it’s easier for them to hire someone low waged to sweep it all up than to have waiters clean all the tables.

Walk around late at night on a busy street in a city in China and it looks like hell: shells, bones, lettuce, broken Tsingtao bottles, noodles, rice, misc rubbish, etc. By morning it’s as clean as a whistle. A dirty, smelly, chinese made whistle. But it looks clean!

I like this sort of thing.

Of course the seafood areas reek like seafood because it has so permeated the streets and sidewalks, but shouldn’t seafood areas smell like seafood?

Now let’s say you want to buy some produce at the supermarket. Naturally you’ll make your selections, bag em up, and bring them with the rest of your grocceries to the front of the store. In China it’s a little different.

You select your produce and then before going to the front of the store you stop at this station manned by the gentleman in the red sweatshirt in the above photo and he weighs it, puts a price tag on it and then swipes your bag through that red sticker machine which puts a sticker tie around  your bag.

Ah nice, so your vegetables don’t fall out of the bag— not quite, it’s more to keep people from adding more produce after they’ve already weighed their produce. Also notice he removes the bag when weighing (those are my potatoes btw), this is certainly because most Chinese people would complain that the bag adds extra weight.

Shoplifting is very common in China. Let’s say you buy something that comes in a box or a bag at Wal Mart. They will open the box or bag (say a blanket or whatever) and check to see if you’ve put anything extra inside there.

You might be thinking that’s insulting or presumptuous but of the two boxes i’ve seen checked both had extras inside.

The bargain hunter just sort of made a “Alright, alright” face as the clerk removed and scanned the items. The clerk was more like “well played, old chap” than angry or punitive.

In the US people would be all “What the fuck, I didn’t put that shit in there!”

To See A Larger Image Click here.

Because I was taking warm for 1 minute then freezing showers for the last week or so (and assuming I was maliciously given a faulty shower) I am sharing this in case you are having trouble with your shower in China (and can access this page) and need help.

The thing about water heaters in China is that they are instant water heaters— they heat water on the fly— whereas in the US and other places we have big hot water heaters with tanks full of water being kept warm at all times.

These save space and might be more efficient.

Left to Right:

The first knob is water volume.

If you routinely take short showers turn the knob to the left (away from the character for “many people”).  I’d leave it on the many people setting unless you like a machine making your shower decisions for you.

The second (middle knob) is, Summer or Winter?

This is more of a question than a setting. If you want winter turn to the left, if you want summer turn to the right. I assume that the water supplies are quite warm in summer and quite cold in winter so this is a very useful setting.

Knob #3 is Water Temperature.

For some reason (cough::: made in china::: cough) if you try to push it to the limit it will overheat and you’ll have a sudden surprise of cold water.

Happy Showering.

You don’t have to tip in China.

With that, let’s  go:

1. An interesting thing about China is that if you want to sit at a table in a popular bar or nightclub– any table– you need to either buy a bottle or spend a certain amount of money (maybe 300 Yuan or more).  This seems like bullshit but if you’ll be around for a day or so you can check your unfinished bottle into a locker and come back to meet it later by using a ticket. Oh hey, I remember you.
2. Chinese men will refer to poor foreigners as “drink holders” because they just buy one drink and stand around and hit on girls. The thinking is, I guess, if you’re gonna come to my country and my bar and try to bag up my babes, you better be paying good money. Also, there’s the “if you can’t afford to play by the rules don’t come here” thing which sorta makes sense.
3. Most Chinese people go to bars in groups of 4 or more and it’s considered rude to walk up and talk to a mixed group. You can however approach a group of girls or boys or anywhere the ratio is 2:1. If its 3 girls and 3 guys they will be offended.
4. Chinese (and Hong Kongers visiting) will often invite you over for a drink of their drinks. Have a few but don’t camp out there, although they probably wouldn’t mind you’ll feel bad. Don’t offer them any money as this is seen as an insult (like you think you’re better or more successful than them).
5. Bottles of booze aren’t cheap (300-400 RMB for starters) and usually the cheapest one is some brand of whiskey I guarantee you’ve never heard of .  And the selection is crap: whiskey, vodka, wine, champagne and some vile shit like Cointreau.
6. Snacks and mixers are sometimes included and sometimes extra.  Look at the menu. Often they will bring you a beautiful plate of fruit at the end of your night. Don’t get pissed and flip the table over and say “You’re cheating me! I didn’t order this!” (”Ni zuan wo! wo meiyou ling zhega!”)  if you didn’t order it then it’s free.
7. Whiskey (American and Scotch) is huge in China and good brands are available yet it’s always mixed into a glass pitcher, sometimes called a Jar, (usually by a persistent waiter (fuwuyuan— sounds like foo-yee-en) who wants you to finish up and pop a new one.  Usually it’s mixed with Green Tea which is refreshing but sort of gets boring after awhile. Even if you have a bunch of cokes or red bulls someone will pour them all into the pitcher.
8. The reason for the pitcher is because you’re supposed to pour your friends drinks for them and they for you. Also it’s convenient to not have to mix each drink on its own. Notice if your friends drinks are low and fill ‘em up. I like this custom.
9. If you want to  get the waiters attention you should place a napkin on the top of your head until they acknowledge you. It’s used as a flag or something and is considered more polite than yelling “Fuwuyuan!”
10. If someone offers you a drink and you refuse a good way to say no is “Your mother is a whore”, because you’re pretty much saying that by refusing. Don’t refuse drinks.
11. Its impolite to touch anyone deliberately but not impolite to bump into someone or touch them because they’re in your way.
12. If you’re in a taxi and you want to go to a bar say “Jo-Bar” and then the bar’s name. If the bar has the name Bar in it say “Jo Bar Bar Chicago” for instance. Except C’s are always pronounced like Ch so Chicago is pronounced “Chichago”.
13. Chinese are not, on average, great dancers. If you’re a bad or self conscious dancer feel free to let loose in China, you’ll fit in fine.
14. Most bars play American songs most of the time. Most people cannot understand a word of it. That said, you’ll hear a few Chinese sounds that sound pretty good and you can’t understand a word of that either.
15. Every Chinese person has an English name, and somehow it usually suits them really well. It has nothing to do with their Chinese name usually. Don’t ask someone their Chinese name unless you really care or you’re some kind of “wanting to learn culture” cockrocker. It’s just dumb.
16. If a woman is too friendly with you in a bar she’s either a hooker, a hustler,  or has screwed every white guy around you for free. Avoid.
17. There’s usually a security guard or something that looks like a bouncer at the front of the bar. You do not need to acknowledge his presence in any way and is there only to say “hey we have a security uniform, don’t fuck around here”.
18. If there’s one or more girls in front of a bar wearing fur coats it’s a whore bar. Stay out.  I’ve heard stories of Wai Laos being forced to pay 2000 RMB by gangsters who’ve locked the door to the bar impeding their exit.
19. If a man is too friendly with you, just like in the States, he’s probably a gay. I got hit on in the bathroom by a gay guy and he watched and talked to me as I went pee. Glad to see that aspect American gay culture has crossed oceans. Be firm with gay guys or they’ll touch you or kiss your cheek.
20. If you’re at a club or nice bar they sort of expect you to drink liquor and not beer. Beer is to be drinken at dinner or if you segueway out of dinner into drinking at the same place. In that case, nobody will be mad at you for producing  bottle of booze but don’t expect to order it at a casual restaurant.
21. Most people order beers in twos. They come in big Forty Ouncer size bottles but are less than 40 ounces I think. Say: “Fuwuyen! Er Ching-Dao (Tsingtao)”. This is most likely because Chinese are really into having a bounty of whatever it is they’re consuming and also Tsingtaos are cheap and plentiful so if you don’t finish it it’s not a big deal.

One of these tips isn’t true.

“That place changes you, man” he said to me, “Big time”.

When he came back to the US, where things were supposed to be better, sometimes they weren’t.

Sometimes they were just different. He had nightmares. He took to drinking heavily.

That he went to Vietnam in 1993, and travelled there as a sex tourist isn’t really relevant to the point i’m trying to make, instead living in Asia does change you, despite what I wrote before.

Now I don’t want to be the “this is what i’m learning in this foreign land” kind of asshole, but maybe this will be of use to you. Or me.

A few things you realize after living in China for a little bit:

People take themselves too seriously in the US.

In China there’s so many people that you can’t possibly be important and not much is serious.

This is actually very freeing. Sometimes I’ll write something stupid here or Facebook,  act like an idiot at a bar, in front of coworkers– whatever— and I just don’t care anymore.

Not that I don’t care about people in the US or what they think about me, I just don’t personally think it’s important what I say or how I behave (with limits of course).

Eating Weird Stuff Stops Being Weird

I was a pussy about eating certain stuff when I first got here. A shrimps head? Oh no! Now I just toss them in the old wood chipper as if they were any other food. It’s food. I used to ask people what something was before I ate it. Is this pork? chicken? beef? Like I somehow have some principles about what i’ll eat. I eat cows and pigs and chickens because people in my country have been doing so for a long time. I didn’t really choose it or anything. Once you eat some weird crap and it makes you full, and not sick, and it starts to taste sorta good– well you add it to the stuff you’ll eat.

Chinese people would be appalled that Andrew Zimmern makes a ducal salary on a show eating “Bizarre Foods” that they pay top dollar to eat willingly.

You’re On Your Own Kid

Whether you’re in the US or China or anywhere else, you’re pretty much on your own. I think it just becomes more pronounced when you’re somewhat isolated compared with your regular life. Maybe the movie Lost In Translation touched on this, I don’t know, I’ve never seen it.

But being on your own— or realizing that you are— is a great step towards self-sufficiency. So many of people’s problems come from being disappointed, let down, betrayed or hurt by other people. Because i’m surrounded by a billion people and yet I feel somewhat alone (not lonely really)  isn’t so much a commentary on modern metropolitan city life as it is a commentary on life. You’re alone. Accept it. It’s good. There, now go meet other people and act accordingly.

Two Examples Of This:

If i’m having a bad time at a bar, and I want to leave, I don’t have any sort of “well you gotta stick with your people” ideas, I say fuck off to my friends and go somewhere else. It feels pretty good. I’m in China, I don’t even know you assholes.

Chinese people are notorious for just disappearing or having very truncated goodbyes. You might have a great dinner with a friend and afterward they might just be like “Ok bye” and turn and walk the other direction. The other night after a company dinner I was like “Where’d William go?” and they were like “He’s Chinese, he saw his bus and left”.

How many times have you stayed too long during the unwinding period? God knows I have.

Take Your Time

Take Your Time is an english figure of speech that Chinese people like a lot. I always feel like I need to rush or hurry up with things and I have no idea why. Here dinner takes 4 hours or more. Why eat dinner and rush to the bar? The bar can be right where dinner is, unless you’re not with the people you want to be with, in which case just get up and leave.

I have no idea why i’m rushing most of the time the same reason I have no idea why I say “you too” when a waiter tells me to enjoy my meal.

Um, I mean if you eat later, I say.

I’ve Calmed Down A Lot

This is similar to not taking myself so seriously and also taking my time, but I’m just a lot calmer here. The other day I asked the taxi cab to take me to Wal-Mart so I could buy a room heater. He takes me to a hooker street.

I know i’m not in the right place but I just shrug it off and start walking back towards my place. I see a group of 20 soldiers standing around. I walk up to the one in the fanciest uniform (supposing he’s the bossman and is the most educated> speaks english) and ask “Do you know where wal-mart is?”. Silence.

In Chinese I ask.

Silence, then he begins to speak and then the whole group laughs at me. “Wall-marrrt” he says. Normally this kind of thing would really piss me off. I just shrugged it off and said “Yeah ha ha (sarcastically) i’m a white guy and i’m lost ha ha. I get it”. And seriously, from their perspective, probably the first white guy they saw this month lost in whore-town, it’s probably pretty funny.

On my walk I found a crappy store and they sold heaters.

After I got in a cab and my phone was dead (I keep a collection of chinese texts with important addresses in my phone) and I was forced to give directions in Chinese. And despite what I said before about not absorbing any mandarin, it worked.

I told him my street and street number and where it’s near: it was like someone else was talking through my mouth.

You Can Try To Explain It To People, But They Don’t Really Care

I want to communicate to people what its like here and how it’s changing me and then I realize they don’t particularly care and also the time difference makes it so everyone is always off-beat with you. When it’s Friday night at 2am my friends are sitting in their office watching the clock at noon. Try having a conversation about being dropped in whore town and soldiers ridiculing you when you’re lost and then alas, finding a heater after all! And I spoke useful Mandarin! —- while you’re friend is staring at a spreadsheet pretending to work.

Doesn’t quite translate.

If you said ‘take the elevator’ give yourself a pat on the back. You’re gonna go far.

Using an elevator in China is different than using one in other places.

Let’s begin.

Getting Started

Walk up to the elevator and push the button several times.

Now pace around and look at the floor numbers that the other elevators are on.You must be very serious about this. If you’ve ever seen stressed out stock brokers staring at the different stock tickers make your face look like this.

When you’ve found a winner stand in front of the door. No scoot up, you’re like a mile from the door. 1.5 feet away minimum.

If you’re elevator bingo skills (knowing which elevator will arrive at your floor first) are bad and you’ve miscalculated just walk quickly to the correct elevator.  Someone will likely be waiting at that same elevator but feel free to stand in a more optimum entry point than they are.

It’s their fault they aren’t standing closer or blocking you.

Let’s Get On

The door opens and the first thing you might notice are other humanoids trying to exit the elevator. But you’re trying to go in the elevator.

Two roads you can take here:

1. Wait patiently for the 5 or 6 seconds it takes for the annoying not-you elevator riders to disembark.

2. Walk right on in.

If you picked #2 you’re a natural at riding elevators in China.

You’re In

Now that you’re in stand as close to the door as possible. Remember this is a means of transportation and not a 5 star resort; the goal here is in and out.

If you can, stand as close to the control box as possible– i mean so close that others can’t press their floor number– and if you can,  operate this complex machine yourself.

I’ve highlighted the only two important buttons for you in the image above: your floor and the close door button.

Now you’ll notice something interesting at this point. Remember those assholes earlier that were getting out of the elevator as you were getting on?

New problem: several different assholes are now trying to get into your elevator.

This is sort of just the nature of riding elevators but there is something you can do to mitigate lost time or inconvenience: see the close door button?

Use it and use it often.

Scenario A

An elderly man is trying his best to make it to the elevator before the door closes but the old legs don’t work like they once did.

Scenario B

An attractive businesswoman is running late and is jogging towards the elevator you’re in. The door is closing.

For both of these scenarios the proper response is the door close button.

During Your Travels

You’re moving on up! While traveling be sure to stare at people in the elevator. If everyone is staring at one person they’ve done the research for you. Stare at that person too.

Now you notice that it’s taking an extra 5 seconds for the door to close. The reason: some burnout is standing in front of the controls but is not using the close door button judiciously. Simply nudge your way in front of him, give him a dissatisfied look and groan, and show him how it’s done.

When it’s time to exit at your floor break this down to the bare essentials. Mentally draw a straight line out of the elevator and walk it.

Extended Learnings

After awhile you’ll notice that you’re getting to your floor faster and with less people to slow you down, but if you’re not crushing at least one person per week with the elevator doors you’re doing something terribly wrong.

Legend has it that a seasoned Elevator Operator in Beijing once crushed 35 people in the elevator doors in a single day.

We can dream, can’t we?

1. I have not had any amazing cultural-spiritual awakening or enlightenment and probably won’t. I haven’t stood on any mountain tops and looked across the countryside or shared an intimate meal with a traditional chinese girl.
2. Mandarin is really difficult to learn and absorb. Unlike TV shows where in a stressful situation you can suddenly speak fluently after being immersed, i’m more confused after being immersed and in stressful situations. Sometimes when I can’t understand what someone is saying they grab a pencil and write the chinese characters. Ah, that’s helpful.
3. Like you look at those videos with the nerdy bespectacled black guy with the 14 inch cock plowing trashy looking Floridian broads, Chinese people look at me with curiousity, confusion and disgust.
4. Chinese people drink hot water with meals. Sometimes tea but always that hot water.
5. They do eat dogs, snakes, turtles, cats, etc. You will see these things in cages and tanks in front of restaurants. Can you imagine being a chef and having to kill an innocent cat for somebody else to eat? (I hear cats taste like an ocean of flavors in your mouth
6. The pecking order on the streets and highways goes like this: police trucks, police cars, big trucks, small trucks, fancy cars, big cars, small cars, motorcycles, scooters, pedestrians pulling a cart, pedestrians. Basically if you are to the right of motorcycles everyone is your daddy and you need to move out of their way. They look at you like “fuck you, you’re driving pants and a shirt, i’m driving a big metal truck full of lettuce”.
7. Most ex-pats are shitheads, sketchy or are so in love with the culture that they don’t like people from their country anymore.
8. Oftentimes your place setting (silverware, bowl, cup, plate, etc) will be wrapped in plastic. There is also a pot filled with boiling hot water. Chinese peopl do not trust the plastic and will wash the plates and such with the boiling water to make sure its extra clean. Then they’ll eat one of the fish or turtles that have been soaking in a filthy tub out front all night.
9. Pretty much anything that starts with “I’ve heard that in China…. ” is true and about twice as bad, cheap, easy or good as you think it is.
10. Do they really have happy ending massage places in China? Not only do they have them but they’re on every block. Usually attached to a regular foot massage place (upstairs or whatever). Look for the number 68, it’s the cost of such a massage and is sort of “code” for that type of thing. If you don’t want that type of massage you’ll have to tell them 1 or 10 times.
11. The government is either very good at staying hidden or just doesn’t really care. Other than bored policemen texting or sleeping I never see any kind of police activity. There is no communism in china nor is there really any political beliefs about anything.
12. You will get a lot of attention from people. If you’re an average looking person in the US you’ll appreciate the attention but eventually get tired of it.
13. The food in China is not delicious but there is delicious food to eat, there’s just also so many not good options that are like this gauntlet of mirrors made to confuse you. Often times you’ll see something that looks like something you like, but it will taste either like nothing, oyster sauce or too healthy. If you ask a chinese person what their favorite kind of food is 99.9% of them will say “Chinese food!”
14. One thing I like to do is grab a beer at 7-11 or Polison and walk around with it and gauge how far it takes to get somewhere by how many 40’s of Tsingtao I drink on the walk. Oh that place? It’s like 1.5 40’s away.
15. Engrish is everywhere. It becomes normal and not that funny after awhile since you realize you can’t read more than a single character of their language, which is one syllable, and yet you expect them to write perfect copy. Ok, maybe its not that reason it’s just that after awhile the same thing over and over becomes less funny.
16. Tipping is frowned on by the government but if you want your room clean or good service you should tip a little.
17. Medicine does not require a prescription but it might require that you can read chinese or engrish versions of medicine names.
18. Despite what people say, most people speak Mandarin. The word for Mandarin in Mandarin (weird concept) is Gu?nhuà and although wikipedia says it means Speech Of Officials, I think it actually means “The Common Language”. People who speak Cantonese also speak Mandarin but people who speak Mandarin often don’t speak Cantonese.
19. A ride on a taxi bike costs 5 Yuan for a short ride and 10 Yuan for a long ride. Don’t pay more.
20. Most 7-11’s don’t have slurpees. They do however have slurpee cups that you can buy (?) to use at a 7-11 that does have slurpees. They think this is totally normal.
21. You will not get killed for using or possessing illegal drugs in China if you’re a foreigner. Not that it’s a great idea to use drugs in a foreign country (or domestically) but you won’t get the death penalty. There are a lot of Foreigners living in China. A lot of traveler ex-pat types use drugs recreationally. When’s the last time you heard of someone getting popped for drugs in China? See. You will however be quietly and quickly deported.
22. If you plan on moving to China have your company or a friend arrange for a vigilant Chinese person to help you shop for cell phone, apartment, etc etc. You will still get ripped off but less so.
23. Many Chinese people’s breath and body will smell a little different to you. Probably us to them. It’s because they eat weird stuff and we eat weird stuff in their opinion. Seriously, when a chinese person says they don’t like hamburgers I assume they are just being nationalistic but really I think most do not like them.
24. The green Gatorade is lime, but with tea flavor too. They are so pushy with that tea.
25. If you’re at the supermarket and happen to drop a 1 yuan coin at the same time another, older, Chinese-Don Rickles looking guy thinks he dropped a 1 yuan coint, and you go to grab the coin and he grabs the same coin, and you are both holding this coin with your thumb and pointer finger, and people are saying words loudly, and he’s saying words loudly, and you’re looking at the people— and him, and trying to explain that you know “for a fact” that it’s your 1 yuan coin— anyway, if this happens just let the 1 yuan coin go.