Pretty much how it goes from what I can gather…

You don’t have to tip in China.

With that, let’s  go:

1. An interesting thing about China is that if you want to sit at a table in a popular bar or nightclub– any table– you need to either buy a bottle or spend a certain amount of money (maybe 300 Yuan or more).  This seems like bullshit but if you’ll be around for a day or so you can check your unfinished bottle into a locker and come back to meet it later by using a ticket. Oh hey, I remember you.
2. Chinese men will refer to poor foreigners as “drink holders” because they just buy one drink and stand around and hit on girls. The thinking is, I guess, if you’re gonna come to my country and my bar and try to bag up my babes, you better be paying good money. Also, there’s the “if you can’t afford to play by the rules don’t come here” thing which sorta makes sense.
3. Most Chinese people go to bars in groups of 4 or more and it’s considered rude to walk up and talk to a mixed group. You can however approach a group of girls or boys or anywhere the ratio is 2:1. If its 3 girls and 3 guys they will be offended.
4. Chinese (and Hong Kongers visiting) will often invite you over for a drink of their drinks. Have a few but don’t camp out there, although they probably wouldn’t mind you’ll feel bad. Don’t offer them any money as this is seen as an insult (like you think you’re better or more successful than them).
5. Bottles of booze aren’t cheap (300-400 RMB for starters) and usually the cheapest one is some brand of whiskey I guarantee you’ve never heard of .  And the selection is crap: whiskey, vodka, wine, champagne and some vile shit like Cointreau.
6. Snacks and mixers are sometimes included and sometimes extra.  Look at the menu. Often they will bring you a beautiful plate of fruit at the end of your night. Don’t get pissed and flip the table over and say “You’re cheating me! I didn’t order this!” (”Ni zuan wo! wo meiyou ling zhega!”)  if you didn’t order it then it’s free.
7. Whiskey (American and Scotch) is huge in China and good brands are available yet it’s always mixed into a glass pitcher, sometimes called a Jar, (usually by a persistent waiter (fuwuyuan— sounds like foo-yee-en) who wants you to finish up and pop a new one.  Usually it’s mixed with Green Tea which is refreshing but sort of gets boring after awhile. Even if you have a bunch of cokes or red bulls someone will pour them all into the pitcher.
8. The reason for the pitcher is because you’re supposed to pour your friends drinks for them and they for you. Also it’s convenient to not have to mix each drink on its own. Notice if your friends drinks are low and fill ‘em up. I like this custom.
9. If you want to  get the waiters attention you should place a napkin on the top of your head until they acknowledge you. It’s used as a flag or something and is considered more polite than yelling “Fuwuyuan!”
10. If someone offers you a drink and you refuse a good way to say no is “Your mother is a whore”, because you’re pretty much saying that by refusing. Don’t refuse drinks.
11. Its impolite to touch anyone deliberately but not impolite to bump into someone or touch them because they’re in your way.
12. If you’re in a taxi and you want to go to a bar say “Jo-Bar” and then the bar’s name. If the bar has the name Bar in it say “Jo Bar Bar Chicago” for instance. Except C’s are always pronounced like Ch so Chicago is pronounced “Chichago”.
13. Chinese are not, on average, great dancers. If you’re a bad or self conscious dancer feel free to let loose in China, you’ll fit in fine.
14. Most bars play American songs most of the time. Most people cannot understand a word of it. That said, you’ll hear a few Chinese sounds that sound pretty good and you can’t understand a word of that either.
15. Every Chinese person has an English name, and somehow it usually suits them really well. It has nothing to do with their Chinese name usually. Don’t ask someone their Chinese name unless you really care or you’re some kind of “wanting to learn culture” cockrocker. It’s just dumb.
16. If a woman is too friendly with you in a bar she’s either a hooker, a hustler,  or has screwed every white guy around you for free. Avoid.
17. There’s usually a security guard or something that looks like a bouncer at the front of the bar. You do not need to acknowledge his presence in any way and is there only to say “hey we have a security uniform, don’t fuck around here”.
18. If there’s one or more girls in front of a bar wearing fur coats it’s a whore bar. Stay out.  I’ve heard stories of Wai Laos being forced to pay 2000 RMB by gangsters who’ve locked the door to the bar impeding their exit.
19. If a man is too friendly with you, just like in the States, he’s probably a gay. I got hit on in the bathroom by a gay guy and he watched and talked to me as I went pee. Glad to see that aspect American gay culture has crossed oceans. Be firm with gay guys or they’ll touch you or kiss your cheek.
20. If you’re at a club or nice bar they sort of expect you to drink liquor and not beer. Beer is to be drinken at dinner or if you segueway out of dinner into drinking at the same place. In that case, nobody will be mad at you for producing  bottle of booze but don’t expect to order it at a casual restaurant.
21. Most people order beers in twos. They come in big Forty Ouncer size bottles but are less than 40 ounces I think. Say: “Fuwuyen! Er Ching-Dao (Tsingtao)”. This is most likely because Chinese are really into having a bounty of whatever it is they’re consuming and also Tsingtaos are cheap and plentiful so if you don’t finish it it’s not a big deal.

One of these tips isn’t true.

Hey Andy-

I’m a fan of Misanthropy Today and was curious what it’s like living and working in China. Is it a lot different?  I’ve been considering working abroad for awhile.

Take Care!
Brian

Hey Brian-

Well i’ve already written a little about the subject but if you want just a 50 feet up view, here goes:

Have you ever vacationed in Mexico? If so, you know that you spend most of your time walking, shopping, eating and then going to loud discotheques at night time. You walk, shop, eat and drink way too much. By the end of your trip your body needs another vacation.

Living and working in China is pretty much like that except imagine having to go to work every morning during your vacation in Mexico. Yeah, you’re in a strange land experiencing new things and flavors but you’re still required to wake up at a decent hour and do the same job you do in the US.

Pretty much the whole thing in a nutshell.

Andy

“Forget about work, drink one of these. “

So i’ve been sick as hell for the past three days. Today (Halloween) I’m feeling better. These chinese colds are brutal.

The only thing the made me feel really better was this chinese medicine tea called Balangen Keli. All of my coworkers were like “don’t listen to chinese people and their BS about Chinese Medicine” but it actually made me feel better.

In addition I took a bunch of western drugs.

So i’m going to try and secure a costume today but I haven’t seen anything that would really pass as a costume yet.

I think i’m going to a bar called Chicago Club with this french guy I met at a bar called Milky.

Here is a video of this Chicago Club:

That’d be great if they had all the workers talk like my friend Ford Austin doing his Chicago Accent:

Can I interest you ladies in a lollipop?

just kidding, i have no idea how effective this is.

I really love it here.

I hope the novelty doesn’t wear off too fast.

I flew on China Airlines from LAX to Taipei, and then to Hong Kong. The flight was a piece of cake. Ate dinner, read a book, watched a movie, had a scotch (Dewars, complimentary!) and then popped an Ativan and slept. Woke up, watched some shitty movie, ate breakfast and was in Taipei.

The flight from TPE to Hong Kong was short and less crowded and more rowdy with westerners.

I heard some chinese guy fart super loud on the LAX to TPE leg of the trip. It was a sleep ripper because he made no attempt to cover it up or shorten it’s duration. BWRRRRRRRRP.

Tonight I had a managers meeting at my new company and came back to my hotel and the place was buzzing with Hongers (Hong Kong residents) with golf clubs and Porsche Cayennes and sporty looking wives and girlfriends.

The player piano was being played by an actual man and the whole hotel smelled like oatmeal cookies.

If this isn’t great, what is? I thought to myself. Then my roomkey wouldn’t open my door, which sort of cut my moment short.

Last night I went to a bar called True Colors. I saw this dude across from me and it’s weird when you’re starving to speak english how you sort of size up potential friends at bars the way you might have sized up sexual partners in the past.

“Do you speak english?” I said

“Yep.” He said.

“Well, you better come join me.”

Afterwards we went to a place called U Bar which is 100RMB all you can drink. Thats about 10 bucks. I went to the bathroom and on the way back I didn’t see a step and went ass over teakettle and like slid on this marble floor. Luckily only two chinese employees of the bar saw me. My cup went flying across the floor. I scraped my arm.

The employees tried to help me up but I brushed them off indignantly like “Get your goddamn hands off of me”.

I had been dancing quite vigorously earlier and had also gotten a 2 hour massage so my legs were like jello and not seeing the step was the trifecta needed to make to take this nasty spill.

I told my new friend that I had eaten it on a hidden step and he said this:

“Haha. Welcome to China dude”.

I’m really liking China so far.