The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey. William Faulkner
I’ve been reading William Faulkner. In fact I read anything I can get my hands on here. Part of me wishes that I was out here writing a novel or script instead of internet businessing but that’s stupid because I can write a novel or a script if I want to and I don’t seem to do it.
I have an idea for a script called The Gwailo (or maybe The Wai Lao)– both terms mean white devil or ghost devil or whatever kind of nasty words they have for us crackers here in China.
Anyhow, here’s my pitch:
A white businessman gets off an airplane in Hong Kong. He is dressed in bell bottoms like Chuck Norris 30 years before him when he was summoned to fight Bruce Lee. Ok not bell bottoms but they’re a little wide at the bottom.
He has a purpose.
He checks into his hotel and then meets with a shady looking Mainland businessman.The businessman brings him a suitcase, a bottle of fine whiskey and a gigantic basket of fruit. As soon as the businessman leaves he heaves the basket of fruit off the balcony into a dumpster below. Swish!
What a shitty gift a basket of fruit is for a man.
The woman he loves has been taken as collateral on a multi-million dollar deal gone wrong between her father and this fat businessman. I didn’t mention before that the Mainland businessman is fat but he is.
Our Gwailo has a 5 o’clock shadow 15 minutes after shaving which lets you know that he probably is quite virile and eats 16 penny nails and drywall screws for breakfast.
He opens the suitcase and there is a series of photographs with money amounts on them. They are all pictures of ugly, bleached hair, long pinky nail, mole with hair growing out of it backwards Hong Kong gangsters.
You might be wondering why he’s going through all this trouble until suddenly we pan to a photo of the woman he loves.
She’s Chinese but she has like these insane 34D tits and this look about her like you’d probably trust her around your wallet while you’re in the shower but not with like $500,000 in Swiss Bank Bonds and a one way ticket to Kuala Lampur if you catch my drift. If you don’t what I mean is that she’d steal the money and fly to Kuala Lampur. Our Gwailo likes women with this look, as do a lot of bad ass dudes who would stick an ice pick into your neck and never look over their shoulder once.
Violence you say? Yeah there’s violence. Lots of it. Creative violence. Chopsticks with small knife blades inside of them that can be loaded into a makeshift gun or used manually. An irakanji jellyfish to the face. I dont want to give away all the cool violence.
Our man goes around cleaning up Hong Kong’s underworld one sweaty Armani Exchange jumpsuited dicknose at a time. The papers begin reporting it and suddenly everyone is terrified of Gwailos. In one scene, a pudgy lawyer looking guy is given a wave by as he enters the subway from a group of youth punks. This would never happen you see.
Anyhow thats all i’ve got. I will need some plot twists and other characters. I though it’d be funny if he didn’t know it at first but the money amounts on the pictures weren’t in US Dollars but in Hong Kong dollars and this Gwailo is shown as an old man, still having to kill all of these now also old men gangsters because the exchange rate is so bad. But that’s prob not a good idea.
Pretend I didn’t mention this.
An artist is a creature driven by demons. He doesn’t know why they choose him and he’s usually too busy to wonder why. William Faulkner
“She’s Chinese but she has like these insane 34D tits and this look about her like you’d probably trust her around your wallet while you’re in the shower but not with like $500,000 in Swiss Bank Bonds and a one way ticket to Kuala Lampur if you catch my drift.”
Let’s flesh this one out a little. It’s difficult to find real stories of beautiful women who’ve stolen large sums, since they mostly don’t need to. Things are so often willingly handed over to them by dudes pathetically buying their way in, so to speak. Would it require a woman with connections but maybe too lazy to gold-dig and some desperation, maybe something to do with her family or an addiction? If the woman in the photo is hooked on smack, please fly her to my hovel for Christmas.
Its a good question and i’m glad you asked it.
I think that type of woman wants to be loyal (pronounced like “royal”) and give her heart to just one man but there’s a badness burning inside her. A unconscious badness. An unnameable badness that burns quietly at her core the way a candle burns quietly inside of a jackolantern. A jack o lantern with insane, impossible roundies.
The kind of badness that makes you shoplift petty items when you can well afford them. The kind that always tells you that you cannot trust anyone, even those who you know you can trust, you can’t trust. You must press on. Your boobs will never truly be loved by one man forever. Even if you get married in a country that grants dissolution of assets you still only have 250,000 (less after Cracker McCracken hits his drinking problem days). And the plane leaves in 2 hours.
so crackpipe, do you want to fund my movie?
Two hundred and fifty thousand less 7-11’s for me to hold-up, so yeah, let me see what she looks like at the airport. Probably she can at least bring-in enough for two days of production costs.
You switched the words around on all your pages, it’s Lao Wai. Which means “Dear Foreigner”. First created in Taiwan, the more civilized China, then spread to HK and mainland.