I was thinking today that keeping this China blog is sort of not as fun as I thought it would be because while i’m trying to write about China and give some pointers or have a few laughs its really very meta since i’m like drowning in Chinaness 24 hours a day.

It’s very stressful to be here since I don’t speak Chinese and almost nobody speaks english and I’m lost in some way 90% of my day.

  • Ever had to draw a picture of yourself naked in the shower with 6 inches of water building up at the bottom to express that your shower drain is clogged?
  • Ever had to see 10 friendly turtles trying to escape from their cages before some Chinese guy is eating soup out of their shell?
  • Ever get kissed on the cheek by a drunk, not-gay according to my boss just chinese, son of a bitch at a bar and you can’t punch him? Or to have his companion, who was not his girlfriend, grab at your ween through your pants?
  • Ever visit a country where their own food is leaps and bounds better in your home country?
  • Ever give a panhandler a little bit of money only to have 15  CIA operative panhandlers suddenly appear and follow you and your co-workers for 10 blocks?

If you haven’t, all of this is waiting for you in Shenzhen China.

shenzhen-turtles

So with all of this i’ve been thinking about not writing this blog after all, but on the other hand my Dad was always a “you gotta finish what you start” kind of guy, most memorably this time he accidentally hit a baby deer during a camping trip and seeing that the deer was in some pain after impact, immediately threw the car in reverse and gave him a second helping of 1972 Dodge Dart.

It was the right thing to do! he shouted at my mom who was fake crying. She could be such a drama queen.

Here are your tips for the day:

  1. Don’t give panhandlers money unless you have a wheelbarrow full of Yuan.
  2. You will feel lonely after a little while. Imagine walking around and not knowing what anyone is saying or what anything is. Most times when I walk by a shop or a building I have no idea what their business is.
  3. You will lose weight. I’ve been eating like 1/2 a meal per day.
  4. Women in China don’t mob you like you might think because of what that Honger did to me, however just like some dudes in the US are bananas for asian chicks, there are some that will make a point of talking to you.
  5. Kids will say Hello to you a lot.
  6. Every so often someone will look at you like you’re from Mars.
  7. None of the liquor that you recognize is real, it’s all fake.
  8. Most of the western brands of cigarettes are fake.
  9. You will think that you’re about to see 1,000 pedestrians a day get hit by a car but you won’t see any. Terrifying.
  10. Don’t talk to Chinese people about politics. They will all say the same things. Sort of like talking to a Democrat. If you bring up Chairman Mao they will say “70% good 30% bad, but he helped make China what it is today. We owe him a lot”.
  11. If you need to use the restroom do it while you’re at your hotel or apartment. I won’t go into details.
  12. M0st buildings have a ping pong room. Go in there and sneer at bad players until one challenges you. I wiped the floor with an honest-to-goodness chinese person today at ping pong.
  13. The internet is horribly slow most places, including my hotel.

So there’s a lot of trying things about China but I think if you focus on the good things, like me drubbing this shirtless chinese guy at pingpong, you’ll know it’s all worth the price of admission.

shenzhen-ping-pong